O.o To Her.

When I lost my brother, I thought all I had left in the world was you.

When I lost you too, I still had that belief.

For one week I embarked on what I can now call the darkest journey of my life, due to the belief,
that you were all I had left, and I had lost you, and I had nothing.

I couldn't go home. One day I had no choice, I had to go home.

Turns out that was the best decision I had made in a week.

For some reason, and I still to this day, am not sure why, but I sent a txt message to my stepdad, asking him how to "make it not hurt".

Without even a question, he told me to come over. Thats exactly what I did.

I am now able to, when I look back, realize the things that were negative, things that I contributed to, and things you contributed to, and things that we contributed to.

I see them perfectly now, and I understand everything you've said to me.

I realize that I should not have started a relationship with you before you dealt with the one
you just got out of, and more importantly, I should have never tried to change you. You are
who you are, I loved you as such in the beginning, and I let my own issues with myself blind me
from realizing that even though you had your flaws, I loved everyone of them.

The biggest thing is, when you cheated one me, I realized that it had nothing to do with me
not being good enough, and you really didn't mean to hurt me. I also realize, that, I lost my
trust for you completely, and that was not your fault. As much as I tried, I couldn't find it inside
myself to just let go, and trust you. You can't have a relationship without trust, and therefor,
I'm sorry I let my inability to trust you demolish our relationship. It wasn't fair to you.

The thing I am most sorry for, is instead of treating you as a person in our relationship, I
treated you as a security blanket. To wipe away my tears, make me smile when I was down,
to take my anger out on, to put my happiness above your own. I realize that when you in
a relationship, you work as a team, and even though I had my moments, you were always
left to do it on your own, to pick up my pieces.

After all of this, I realized that I would not take it back for the world. The things we've done,
the things we saw. We did so much together, and what made those things so great, was you.
Even though our relationship was on the rocks, my best friend was with me through it all.
You were always more then just my girlfriend, that was just a small piece of the big picture.
Our love is something special, its all around us in many forms.

I don't know why things happened the way they did, losing Colton, losing you, but that all
happened for a reason, and I trust that things will work themselves out.

Its still hard being without you, everything reminds me of you, everywhere I go, everything
I do, everything I see, everything I hear. Its stupid because its the small things that I miss
the most. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Losing you, and Losing Colton made me realize the potential I can have. That nobody can make
me happy except for me. It was never you that had to change, it was me. && You might not
believe me, but I have changed, and grown in such a short amount of time that it came as a
shock to even myself. All the experiences I went through with Colton, and with you, I now see
as lessons. Even the negative things I am now able to look at as good.

Thank you for everything you've given me,
I know its still hard right now, and seeing you with someone else is really hard, but I really miss
my best friend, and I know she's there somewhere.

fuck.

we broke up. she broke up with me. its over. quite possibly forever. its fucking awful. and sad.

The Truth

I want it all to go away, and disappear. Its not fair. I only loved him more than anything.
I wish I could take it all back, and be with him that night. I wish a lot of things, a lot of
things I can't change. I miss him.

Reverie: Rant of the Day!

Ok so a recent series of events surrounding my life is leaving me wondering, what the fuck...

Why can't some people just get a clue, or get over themselves. Why, when fighting
a loosing battle do some people insist on fighting. Why can't they just save the drama,
stfu, and gtfo!

and why can't some people clue in you know, SHE IS A FUCKING HOOKER and even
when she wasn't hooking she CHEATED ON YOU WITH 50 PEOPLE... not 1, or 2,
not even 5... 50!

way to go, your going to amount to tooooooons!

MIchael Jackson

Rest In Paradise, Thriller Forever <3

Reverie: The 'Somebody Forgot to Name me' Post

So I have been 18 for exactly one month today. Although my life still consists of many stresses (such as my dad probably getting evicted, and my mom owing somebody money) I have to say, things are kind of looking up for once.

The girl had her surgery, she is feeling remarkably better. and I had a job but there is this big mix up so I said 'fuck it' and am now looking for another job. My puppy is doing great. I love him so so so so much.

I've been spending a lot of time with my brothers little girlfriend, she's 3 years old
and hands down, hilarious.

My best friend is in town, so thats been fun. We hung out with our old friend DS and had a good time. I'm going for a coffee with a really old friend LL which I never expected. and Me, KR, LC + SLD are going to K-Days together. I know its called "Capital Ex" now, but I will forever reffer to it as K-Days.


Oh, and I finally got around to dying my hair. It looks pretty swankin' good.

<3

Reverie: Expected the worst... Got the best.

She made my birthday perfect yesterday. She, as in my girl. She made me the happiest girl ever yesterday, hands down. I love her so much. Even though we have our problems, and what not. I have to admit, she is the best.

Reverie: Halfway off the Edge

So, for whatever reason, the universe has decided that tomorrow will not go well. No matter how hard I try, my effort will be put to shame when my family members put me and my feelings aside, to fight over shit that has nothing to do with me. They have decided, against my wishes, that fighting at my birthday party, is more important, then making me happy. because you know, this is already really hard for me. Its my first birthday without Colton. I know I had 15 birthday parties without him, and only 2 with him, but I kind of got used to him being at my birthday. Seeing him smiling at me, helping me open my presents.... so its really hard. and on top of that, I have to deal with everyone else's bullshit too. because you know, they couldn't give me a break for one day.

Reverie: Beautiful + COCO

Reverie: by Pikatchu.

My memories are burning metal
Sweet regrets held fast with iron fists
It didn't hurt like you thought
Not like it made me sick
I've done it since, and I'll do it again
We drown our angels in delicate brews
Tasty delights that tingle the mind
Untold events happen behind closed doors
But I won't blush in the morning, it's happened before
Call me a wasted rainbow, who's colors bleed free
You'll never feel like this
Only the wretched become so grateful
I'm done, and already flying
Feeling the lights twist and turn my vision
The ground begins to fall, or so it seems
We decieve others as to where we've been
For surely we can't remember
Feels like ice burning holes in my lies
Don't ask questions, don't give advice
Just hold my hair while I make room for tonight
Its so seductive, we'll do it again
We have to; we always go back for more
We'll never stop, not until it takes its final hold
But sooner or later, the lights burn out
We'll all waste away, like the Hollywood lights

Reverie: FUCK! Part 2

I had become a monster, when I took a look at what I had become, it felt as though I was watching a movie. Only there was no rewind button, no stop, no pause, no fast forward to save me. As bad as I saw myself getting, I couldn't find enough reason to stop, it just made me more determined to forget. After a while, I could try as hard as I wanted to forget, but it only made me think more. I hated myself, and when I did it, it felt like I was stuck in a small space, with myself. I mean, the only person other than my brother that I loved more then anything, was putting herself out for me, and all I did was take from her. I know it doesn't make sense, but that guilt made me want to forget even more.

and then when my brother died five days before his second birthday, what was left of my life, was broken into pieces to small to recover. Everything that had made sense before, didn't; everything that once had a meaning, was left meaningless.

If I could explain the emptiness my brothers death has left me with, I would, but there are no words. And you know, its the strangest feeling, to have a cold dead heart, and have it beating at the same time.

I'm in love with the most amazing person in the world. She is amazing because she has stayed by my side through everything. Its so weird though, because when I'm with her, she's like morphine, she makes the hurt go away, and I feel the love. When she's gone, I'm left with the pain of my memories, and I don't know how exactly to fix it.

So today when she asked, "why do you act that way in said situation" and my reply was "I have no idea"... what I really meant to say was.... "because I feel fucking dead inside, but at the same time when I'm with you I feel a live and vibrant, and the conflict is overwhelming, and I'm sorry I'm awful, and forgive me for being selfish, but I need you".

Reverie: FUCK! Part 1

I cannot give an exact reason for why I became the way I am. I suppose its a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of let downs. My main downfall, stubbornness. I wearily remember a childhood full of happiness, with hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I am one of many gifts, and many talents; one of my gifts, reading people. Now, I don't mean 'reading people' as in 'reading minds', I mean it as in I see through people's charades, I can tell the good people, from the bad; I can tell who is worth the effort, and who is not, and I can tell the difference from people with good intentions, and people with... well not so good intentions. Another thing about me, I strongly dislike change. I do not like it, I do not do well with it, and I especially dislike it when the change in question, is forced and unexpected.

I was about seven years old when I came face to face with change for the first time. Not so much the first time, as the first change which would really effect me, that I would really notice. I noticed drastic change in my behavior. I went from the girl that would never stay inside, to the girl that never left her room. That was just one of many changes. The change that had gone on, was a very important person in my life, was no longer there. The person had left unexpectedly, in which case, it was forced upon me. Further implications from the change happened periodically there after. I was in gymnastics, the best in my class. One day, while performing a move I'd done a thousand times before, I stopped. I still don't know why I stopped, but I just.. didn't care. I ended up with a double compound fracture on my left arm; I'm sure by now you can guess, my down slide didn't stop there. My A's and B's shrunk to C's and D's; and just when you didn't think it could get worse, it did.

My mother met a man. Her encounter with this man, would move me from the house I lived in since I was a toddle, barely able to walk, to his house on the other side of the city. I was eight years old, its not like I could take the bus to go visit my friends; I was devastated. Yet again, I had change thrust upon me, no warning. I know change is a part of life, but its something I don't believe I will ever get used to. In any event, I found myself with a whole new set of behaviors; they included: being exceptionally mean, leaving the house only to go to school, but even then, I usually faked a cold so I could stay home.

No sooner had I become a custom to my new life as a hermit, we moved. Although this wasn't exactly a surprise change for me, because I saw it coming. I knew he was bad news, and although I tried to warn her, my mother disregarded my warnings, putting them off as me acting out, and jealousy over the fact that I was no longer the center of attention. We moved into an apartment, it wasn't a bad apartment, but I had never lived in one before, so it was weird for me. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy, and I felt like myself. I kind of picked up where I left off, outside all the time, and raising my school grades back to A's and B's. I made a lot of new friends, and reunited with my old ones, and life was great.

My ninth birthday party was amazing. It was talked about for months at school, and I became popular. Everybody wanted to be my best friend, but I only had one. Before my birthday party, we hardly spoke; Even though we had gone to the same school since we were four. Also, before my birthday party, she had been the most popular girl at school, and although we both had equal spots in the spotlight, she wanted more, and she wanted me to herself. She began spreading rumors, you know the nasty ones girls spread. Soon I found myself without friends at school, but a best friend outside of school. Thats how it worked with her. She hated me at school, infront of people, but outside of school, in the privacy of our homes, I was her best friend, her confidant.

At this point in my life, I found a pattern with myself. If things were good, I was great. If even one thing was out of place, I spun out of control. I was a complete, utter disaster. When the seventh grade rolled around, I was prepared, I was early to school, it was my fresh start. I began dating a boy that I had known for almost all my life, and things were perfect. My marks were up, my attendance was perfect. He broke up with me for the first time shortly after new years. We had been together for five months. This is where a new pattern began in my life. I didn't show up to school the next day, and I mopped around until he wanted me again. This went on for the rest of the year. In that time, I began being meaner, shoplifting, drinking, and skipping school. As time went on we were apart more then we were together, and it drove me crazy. I fucked up my schooling, I got put into a behavior class, and I thought it would be my demise, but it was exactly what I needed.

It was my own self pity that kept me from returning to that school. I ended up going to an inner city school. Had I stayed at the other school, I would have stayed on my up down roller-coaster with him; instead, I made amazing friends, and I got a new boyfriend. However, the drinking continued, I was the poster girl for bitch, but that was minor compared to the year before. Anyways, after that amazing year, things changed. My best friend and I grew apart, and that was an unexpected change, although I gradually saw our friendship depleting to nothing, I didn't stop it, and I dug myself further into a hole.

The same situation went on for almost two years, until June 2006 when I received the most amazing news, I was going to become a sister. I anxiously awaited February 1st, the day my baby brother was due. By new years, I was so anxious, I could hardly stand it. I wanted him to come early so bad, and you know what? He did. He was three weeks early, but he was born healthy, and perfect. He resembled me in a lot of ways, and when I held him for the first time, he made my life complete. Everything, and anything that didn't make sense before, made sense.

We named him Colton. Colton was amazing, and he made me want to do better for myself, so I worked harder in school, I took extra courses through home school, and I got my first job. I did it all for us. He and I, so that I could be good for him, and able to help him through life. He needed me, and I needed him. We were closer than anything, anyone, and unfortunetly my love for him put everything else on the side burner. I dropped out of school.

She was so mad when she found out, the girl I mean. She saw that Colton had been pawned off on me. I was taken advantage of, and so I left him to do better for myself. Or, thats what I told myself. I began trying new things,and putting myself in a worse situation than I ever could have imagined. I suppose guilt played a part, guilt for leaving my brother, and I tried to drown it out, or make excuses why it was ok. Its not like I never saw him, but the guilt lingered anyways.

Reverie: Kick Start my Heart... or boner!

EMBED-sunroof fail, busted outside nexopia.com office - Watch more free videos

Reverie: Happy Birthday to You!

Well, its a couple days late. Happy Birthday Hunter Ray, my youngest brother. Today is our birthday party for him. I got him a pretty great gift, I can't wait to see his reaction to it. As for my day, it started out ok. I stupid dog woke me up, I wanted to snap its neck. Its kind of my fault, I didn't get much sleep, I stayed up much later then I should have, reading the 4th book of the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn. Its pretty awesome, I'm sad to be almost finished it. My birthday is in 15 days, finally 18! but I'm more excited about The Sims 3 coming out June 2. I know its kind of lame, but I can't help it. LOL.

Reverie: A Response to 2 Red Deaths + One White Death = Different Media Coverage and different degrees of sympathy?

I believe that the lack of media coverage on the death of the teen's on the reserve has NOTHING to do with race. Everybody is advertising Cassie's death, and her parent's are speaking out to everyone of all ages. Them speaking out includes contacting the media themselves, writing letters to celebrities, etc. Now if I am COMPLETELY wrong here, and the parents/guardians of the teens that died on the reserve were contacting the media and what not, then I will make another blog apologizing. I just have a little more faith in today's society. Race is hardly an issue now-a-days. Cassie's death was also probably more publicized due to the fact that it went down at WEM (West Edmonton Mall) in Galaxyland at a monthly underage party called Rock'N'Ride. Thats kind of a big deal, kids sneaking in drugs past security (security that search you). Its kind of like a big bust type a deal. If anything, its igorance from adults, not even noticing, and kids getting stealthier by the day. In my opinion, race has nothing to do with the situation.

Reverie -In Agreement

Rip, I didn't know you, but you spoke the truest of words:

"Okay, this has been pissing me off for quite awhile.
If you are bisexual , it does not give you the right to date a guy
and a girl at the same time.
That is just like a straight person dating two people.
It's just like being a playerr.
So, if you are bisexual, DATE ONE PERSON
AND STOP THINKING YOU'RE FUCKING SPECIAL !
LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIIT."
by: Edible-Ecstasy

Reverie -I hope you Know

That fucking kid was EVERYTHING to me.

I'm NEVER going to be ok. I'm NEVER going to be over it. I'm NEVER going to let
it go. So quit trying to tell me its going to be ok, its going to take time. I'm not going
to recover from this one. Sorry to say. My brother dying was like 100x bullets to
the heart, and I aint gettin' back up.

Oh sure, I love the girl. I'm glad she's here. but I couldn't give a shit about anyone
else. The moment he died, the damage was done. So excuse me if I'm not all here
anymore.
I guess this was an all or nothing situation. Me + My brother or nothing at all.

Zydrate Anatomy Lyrics

I can't feel nothing at all.....

Drug market, Sub-Market,
sometimes I wonder why I ever got in.
Blood market, Love market,
sometimes I wonder why they need me at all.

Zydrate comes in a little glass vial;
A little glass vial?
A little glass vial.
&& the little glass vial goes into the gun like a battery.
&& the zydrate gun goes somewhere against your anatomy.
&& when the gun goes off it sparks,
&& your ready for surgery.
SURGERY.

Graverobber, Graverobber
Some times I wonder why I even bother.
Graverobber, Graverobber
Sometimes I wonder why I need you at all.

&& Amber Sweet is addicted to the knife,
Addicted to the knife?
Addicted to the knife.
&& addicted to the knife she needs a little help with the agony.
&& a little help comes in a little glass vial;
In a gun pressed against her anatomy.
&& when the gun goes off, Miss Sweet is ready for surgery.
SURGERY.

Graverobber, Graverobber,
Sometimes I wonder why I need you at all.......

It's clean, It's clear, It's pure...
It's what?
It's rare
It takes you there
It what?
It takes you there
It takes you there.

A little jump, before the cut.
Why agonize, anesthetize.
I can't feel nothing at all.

'cause surgery
'cause surgery....?
'cause surgery......
Is what she needs....
Is what I need?
Its what I need.
To change inside.
To change inside?
To feel alive.

Mag's contract's got some might fine print.
Some might fine print.
&& that mighty fine print puts Mag in a mighty fine predicament.
If Mag up and splits, her eyes are forfeit
&& if Geneco and Rotti so will it,
then a repo man will come,
&& she'll pay for that surgery...surgery.

Surgery, Surgery.
I can't feel nothing at all.

Reverie -I don't know

Through-out my life I've dealt with many things, abandonment issue's, behavioral issue's, alcohol addiction, death, and I still live with some things I haven't dealt with such as my fear of being alone, my wanting to rarely leave the house, and the worst one yet, by far is Colton. For some reason or another, he wasnt meant to be here. He was too amazing to just have his life cut short like that. I know all this talk comes down to me just being selfish. I want him here. I want to hold him. I want my baby brother. I want I want I want. I wanted to go party instead of be with him. I wanted to run after other people instead of stay with him. I wanted to play on the computer when he was over. and now he's gone and I can do all those things.... ugh. and whats worse is that since he's died, its been a domino effect with everything... Hunter is in social services > my dad is broke > Leah is back to her old ways > the girl and I have to come up with 1049 dollars by Friday or we face a 24hr eviction..... and we still owe $1500 to get Colton's ashes out.

Reverie -Part 17

Its been well over a month now since my life came to a screaching hault, so I'm going to try filling on all the events that have been happening since that day, well since before that because I don't want to forget my last times with that boy.

So December 27, 28, 29 and 30th Colton stayed over, the last day he was here was kind of hectic, the girl and I got a noise complaint about him running around. but one thing I'm glad about is that I finally downloaded Happy Feet for him, he was so happy, we cuddled on the couch and watched it. The last night he was here, I also went into his room, and we cuddled and watched Mulan, he fell asleep in my arms, and we woke-up that way; It made me feel so happy to wake-up with my sleepy-headed baby brother snoring away in my arms.

My mom had him from the 31st until the 2nd, and then on the 3rd which was her 29th birthday, she picked up Colton and we went to my Uncle Dean's for birthday cake. When I walked out of the bulding I could see/hear him in the car freaking out at my mom because he knew where he was, his sisters house and he thought my mom was keeping him from me, her backseat sure took a beating.

In my Uncle's Colton and I had a blast; I stood at one of the room, and he ran to me with the biggest smile. We did it so much, my arms were so sore, but he wouldn't let up. Then once I tired of that, he had me throw him up in the air half a dozen times.

The 6th is when it all went down. I was waiting for my dads call, Leah was supposed to be coming over the with kids, finally at about 2:25pm I got the phone call. Only it wasn't what I was expecting. It was my dad, sounding very obviously distraught. I thought maybe it was another thing with him and Leah, when all of a sudden the words came out: "Amanda, something terrible has happened... you brother" at this point I was expecting him to say Colton had another one of his seizures... thats when he finished:"dead"... Dead... so final; thats when I was grasping at straws... it couldn't be Colton... please dad, please say Hunter...."Colton's dead" he cried.... 2:24pm, was the last time I was normal, sometimes I wish I never answered that phone call. Maybe then I'd still think I had a brother. Well I do still have a brother, its just not Colton.

So anyways, I think I was in such uder shock; I said "ok" he told me to get a hold of my mom; and I turned around and went to go back on facebook and pretend I didn't just recieve that phone call. After sitting for a couple minutes, staring blankly at my computer screen, I got angry... why wasn't I crying, Colton was dead, the most important in my life gone forever, and what... so I ran into the bedroom, threw myself on the bed, grabbed Sara and screamed "he's dead, he's dead, my brothers dead".... she thought it was a joke. I wished it was joke.

Once inside at my dads, we had to wait for the 'ok' from the cops to go down. My mom tried starting to fight with Leah right away, but I was too busy to pay attention. Instead I stared at the bedroom door that belonged to Colton's room, the room he and I shared for so long. It had been closed by the police until the Medical Examiner got there. Colton wasn't in there, he was upstairs in the landlords kitchen, on their table. I sat on the couch, staring at his toys, his high chair that still had last nights dinner on it. I stared at his clothes, and his favorite toys that I played with him all the time. I just sat there. Staring. Hoping it was a dream, or a nightmare, I was waiting to wake up; I wasn't waking up though, because it was very real.

He died in his play pen. Sometime after midnight. Nobody found him until about 2pm. Thats pretty sad. He didn't even finish his bottle. He always finished his bottle. The autopsy came back; he was healthy, he didn't die from SIDS according to them. So we are just waiting on the toxicology.

Three days after he died, social services took Hunter for 3months. Then it was on to funeral arrangements. We had a wake for him, I stayed the whole night from 3pm until 6am, then I went home to get the memorial video I made for him. Before I left my dad kicked out Leah's family, it didn't go so well, The cops were called. They told them to leave. When I came back for the funeral at 10:00am, I showed up to almost 20 cops, and a riot. It looked like a gangster funeral. Then Leah's sister yelled at me, for god knows what, but I swore back at her, and walked away into the church. At the wake it was ok, being in the room with Coltons body. At 3am though, I broke down and cried on his casket; that was the only time. I could have left sooner, but I wanted to stay. It was my last over nighter with my brother...ever.. but at the funeral, /I didn't cry. Also when they opened the casket for the last goodbye thing, I didn't go up, I couldn't handle it.

After the funeral, the police were called again. Then we went back to my dads friends for dinner, then I went home; I have a shrine of Colton in my living room, all his favorite things, his bottle, some clothes, and his last pair of sneakers. I have a ton of picture, and I even got a Colton hoodie. I made a group for him on facebook, it has 233 people as of right now, and I also made a cause for him on facebook, that has 107.

I have a bunch of videos, but that, and the pictures just don't seem to be enough. I sleep with his blanket that was with him in the playpen when he died. Sometimes it makes me sick. but it still smells of him. It doesn't do justice to his hugs, but its all I got left.

Since Colton died, my dad has been staying with the girl and I, and also Leah came along shortly after. They fight a lot and my dads been wicked cranky. The girl doesn't even feel comfortable in her own place anymore, not to mention its wicked messy.

By the way I'm writing this on our laptop, we finally got it. I would be more happier about it, but considering the circumstances.

I miss him so much I can't even explain the emptyness inside of me. Its gross, and it makes me feel so sick. So I try to cover it up with anything I can. Could you believe right now I'm supposed to be high, and yet all I can think about is this. I took XTC last week, and even that couldn't block it out. I try talking about it; it doesn't help. I'm hoping this might help.

/You know about two weeks before he died, he was staying at my house, and I was wearing pants with a broken tie around the waist, and Colton was running around, I was trying to get him to stop, I got up and stepped on my own toe, it bend under itself, and it bruised. The worst part is, the bruise is still there, and he's not. but after I did it, I layed on the bed, and he came into the room, he was worried about me, he grabbed my pant leg, and lifted my foot up; then he put a pillow under it, and said "good good good".

I wish I could take his place. You know, and I regret so many things now. A lot of the time I wish I had never left, and I never ran off the the girl, and I never started doing the things I do. He was so hurt every time I left. Sometimes I didn't even say bye to him. I was an amazing sister to him, I know that, but I can't help thinking I could've done more. He loved me so much, and even though to a point my staying away was for good reasons, a lot of the time I just was too lazy, or too busy. I never could have predicted this, him dying I mean; so I try not to be so hard on myself; but its just so hard. He meant everything to me. He was the only thing, the one person I figured I would always have. If things didn't work out with the girl, I would've had him, and whenever something bad happened, I would just hold him, and it would all go away. and now thats gone, and prehaps its selfish of me, but I think I need him now more then he ever needed me.

Anyways, I think I hear my dad and Leah fighting again, I better go check it out.

xo.

Reverie -Valentines Day

Well Valentines Day is almost over.
Mine was marvelous thank you very much. Currently, I'm just flyingg high
on XTC

fuck ya <3

Reverie -Dearest 2nd Brother

Dear Hunter:

As your sister, I have not always stepped up to the plate, and for that I apologize. From now on, I'm going to be there for you every step of the way. You are the last chance I have at a brother, and I'm not going to let you down. Colton was amazing with you, and you lost him too; so I promise I will take care of you and be your defender just as he would've been. I love you Hunter, and I promise you'll be back with us soon.

Reverie: XBOXLIVE

Reverie -To: COCO Love: PG

I know that time wont ease my pain, I know that all too well.
and I'd trade my life for yours in an instant, if in fact I could.
If I could, I'd give you my last breath, just to hear your laugh;
I'm not wishing for a miracle, I'm hoping for a chance.
A chance to see your smiling face, your eyes of deep sea blue,
a chance to feel your love again, how you loved me like you did.
To know I am your everything, you made me feel ten feet tall;
and when you went away, dear boy, I fell and lost it all.
Everything I had ever wanted, I found it all in you; In you I had
a best friend, a beautiful baby brother too; My little baby Superman,
you taught me so many things; You taught me how to climb
back up, every time I fall; and you showed me true pure love.
So thank you baby brother, you truly were the best; Amidst all
the craziness, you always found happiness; & thank you my sweet
baby for showing me your love; for letting me know, pure love exists.
I never had before, and I never will again; you were something
special, you knocked me off my feet. You made me the happiest
girl, to have a baby brother like you; but also the saddest to have
known, and then lost you. See when you left, dear baby brother,
you took a part of me; I'll never smile quite the same again, or love,
or laugh, or cry; the better part of me died with you, so please
hold on to it tight, never let it go. Colton, you were the greatest
baby brother, the best there ever was, or will be, and it fills my
heart with sorrow to know I'm spending forever without you; Without
my best friend, my love, and my life. Coco, I'll never forget you,
my curly little man, and just know although there's distance now,
We will never be apart.

Love, Your Sister <3

Reverie -Never Before & Never Again

Before all I worried about, was if she was 'up to something'

funny thing is, now I couldn't care less, no jokes.

I watched this show the other day, and these people had to make a list of words they
feel, so, here's mine.

Broken, Dead, Cold, Alone, Empty, Nauseous, Hurt, Sadness, Sorrow, Anger, Hatred,
Unhappy, Sick, Brokenhearted, Disgusted, Mean, Sad, Down, Depressed, Numb.

Yeah....that about sums it up.

and people keep asking if I'm ok, I say yes, for the most part, but the truth is, I'm
never going to be 'OK' again; I'm just not, and, I've gotten used to it.

With Colton, we had this thing, don't know what it was, but it made me feel so
amazing, and he felt it too... we had a stronger bond, stronger then just brother
and sister, even stronger then parent and child.... I've never had it before, and
never again.

....you know, I can't blog about this so much right now... so, later for sure.

Reverie -Sometimes, goodbyes really are Forever

So, its now the 11th day since my beautiful baby brother became my fondest memory; Since I lost my better half, my best friend, my whole heart. I find it hard to smile about things that used to put me on Cloud Nine, or do things that I did before; before I lost my heart and soul, before I lost my everything.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to be ok, because the truth is I don't think I'm ever going to be ok again, not after this. I find myself full of rage, keeping to myself, cringing at even the thought of someone touching me.

Perhaps this did happen for a reason, but I don't care.

Perhaps it is selfish for me to push everyone else away. I know its not fair, but, I do know, that I have found a whole new interpretation of "Living Dead'". Sure I have a pulse, my lungs are filled with air, but inside, I am dead, empty.

Right now, however, my father is here, and my brothers mother, and our uncle, so its not the best of times to be blogging.

Later <3

Reverie -Tragic Ending

My beautiful, sweet , baby brother passed away today.

Fuck your condolences, I want him back.

Reverie -2009

First of all, Happy New Years!

Christmas Eve day was much...worse then expected. Instead of only having to drive 3 hours to a neighboring city, my father and I had to drive 5 hours away to where she
was, and we weren't just picking up my brother, we were also picking up his mother
and brother. Can you tell how thrilled I was, because let me tell you, 5 hours of silence
with my father in his van was manageable, it was the 5+ hours on the way home with
two children under the age of 2 which made it almost unbearable.

Christmas Day was much better though, so I was pleased. My mother got me an XBOX360, that was totally amazing of her, and my grandma got me Sleeping Beauty. The little things were, Camp Rock socks, which are totally disgusting for two reasons,

1. I cannot stand that movie
2. I cannot stand the people in that movie
3. I cannot stand the Jonas brothers
4. One of them happens to be on my sock...

However, they are really comfy, so as long as they are not showing, I should be covered. Besides, its the thought that counts, I can tell my grandma is already very upset at how fast I've aged, and how I'm turning of age in a few short months. She misses me, and I miss her too, more then I think she knows, but I'm not exactly doing anything about it.

In any event, I asked her to get me The Sims 3 in February in exchange for one less present now, so I am waiting very impatiently for 'my present' to be released.

We're still waiting for Telus to come hook up our TV and Internet, only 5 more days now, I can hardly wait; Although, the girl managed to use a wire and we have fuzzy peasant vision...well at least we can watch the news, I enjoy the news, the news is good.

New Years Eve!

Yeah, this would probably be where I wrote how I had this wicked crazy night, and I got really hammered, blahblahblah, but then I would be lying, and there is no lying here. In actuality, I was home, waiting for the girl to come home, having a nap here and there, and then reading New Moon from the Twilight series in case you didn't know. A friend of mine emailed them to me, they are called 'EBOOKS', and they're pretty fantastic. I didn't mind though, I'm not one for getting hammered, I could find a much more appealing way to enjoy my time, and it certainly does not include alcohol, I passed that stage a long time ago, I drank from the time I was 11, until I was 16, I messed up my liver, that didn't stop me, but then I met my true love, end of story.

Resolutions of 2009

1. Get Over It!
2. Quit looking for something to be wrong
3. Mind my business, more.
4. Get a job ASAP!!!!