Reverie: Expected the worst... Got the best.

She made my birthday perfect yesterday. She, as in my girl. She made me the happiest girl ever yesterday, hands down. I love her so much. Even though we have our problems, and what not. I have to admit, she is the best.

Reverie: Halfway off the Edge

So, for whatever reason, the universe has decided that tomorrow will not go well. No matter how hard I try, my effort will be put to shame when my family members put me and my feelings aside, to fight over shit that has nothing to do with me. They have decided, against my wishes, that fighting at my birthday party, is more important, then making me happy. because you know, this is already really hard for me. Its my first birthday without Colton. I know I had 15 birthday parties without him, and only 2 with him, but I kind of got used to him being at my birthday. Seeing him smiling at me, helping me open my presents.... so its really hard. and on top of that, I have to deal with everyone else's bullshit too. because you know, they couldn't give me a break for one day.

Reverie: Beautiful + COCO

Reverie: by Pikatchu.

My memories are burning metal
Sweet regrets held fast with iron fists
It didn't hurt like you thought
Not like it made me sick
I've done it since, and I'll do it again
We drown our angels in delicate brews
Tasty delights that tingle the mind
Untold events happen behind closed doors
But I won't blush in the morning, it's happened before
Call me a wasted rainbow, who's colors bleed free
You'll never feel like this
Only the wretched become so grateful
I'm done, and already flying
Feeling the lights twist and turn my vision
The ground begins to fall, or so it seems
We decieve others as to where we've been
For surely we can't remember
Feels like ice burning holes in my lies
Don't ask questions, don't give advice
Just hold my hair while I make room for tonight
Its so seductive, we'll do it again
We have to; we always go back for more
We'll never stop, not until it takes its final hold
But sooner or later, the lights burn out
We'll all waste away, like the Hollywood lights

Reverie: FUCK! Part 2

I had become a monster, when I took a look at what I had become, it felt as though I was watching a movie. Only there was no rewind button, no stop, no pause, no fast forward to save me. As bad as I saw myself getting, I couldn't find enough reason to stop, it just made me more determined to forget. After a while, I could try as hard as I wanted to forget, but it only made me think more. I hated myself, and when I did it, it felt like I was stuck in a small space, with myself. I mean, the only person other than my brother that I loved more then anything, was putting herself out for me, and all I did was take from her. I know it doesn't make sense, but that guilt made me want to forget even more.

and then when my brother died five days before his second birthday, what was left of my life, was broken into pieces to small to recover. Everything that had made sense before, didn't; everything that once had a meaning, was left meaningless.

If I could explain the emptiness my brothers death has left me with, I would, but there are no words. And you know, its the strangest feeling, to have a cold dead heart, and have it beating at the same time.

I'm in love with the most amazing person in the world. She is amazing because she has stayed by my side through everything. Its so weird though, because when I'm with her, she's like morphine, she makes the hurt go away, and I feel the love. When she's gone, I'm left with the pain of my memories, and I don't know how exactly to fix it.

So today when she asked, "why do you act that way in said situation" and my reply was "I have no idea"... what I really meant to say was.... "because I feel fucking dead inside, but at the same time when I'm with you I feel a live and vibrant, and the conflict is overwhelming, and I'm sorry I'm awful, and forgive me for being selfish, but I need you".

Reverie: FUCK! Part 1

I cannot give an exact reason for why I became the way I am. I suppose its a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of let downs. My main downfall, stubbornness. I wearily remember a childhood full of happiness, with hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I am one of many gifts, and many talents; one of my gifts, reading people. Now, I don't mean 'reading people' as in 'reading minds', I mean it as in I see through people's charades, I can tell the good people, from the bad; I can tell who is worth the effort, and who is not, and I can tell the difference from people with good intentions, and people with... well not so good intentions. Another thing about me, I strongly dislike change. I do not like it, I do not do well with it, and I especially dislike it when the change in question, is forced and unexpected.

I was about seven years old when I came face to face with change for the first time. Not so much the first time, as the first change which would really effect me, that I would really notice. I noticed drastic change in my behavior. I went from the girl that would never stay inside, to the girl that never left her room. That was just one of many changes. The change that had gone on, was a very important person in my life, was no longer there. The person had left unexpectedly, in which case, it was forced upon me. Further implications from the change happened periodically there after. I was in gymnastics, the best in my class. One day, while performing a move I'd done a thousand times before, I stopped. I still don't know why I stopped, but I just.. didn't care. I ended up with a double compound fracture on my left arm; I'm sure by now you can guess, my down slide didn't stop there. My A's and B's shrunk to C's and D's; and just when you didn't think it could get worse, it did.

My mother met a man. Her encounter with this man, would move me from the house I lived in since I was a toddle, barely able to walk, to his house on the other side of the city. I was eight years old, its not like I could take the bus to go visit my friends; I was devastated. Yet again, I had change thrust upon me, no warning. I know change is a part of life, but its something I don't believe I will ever get used to. In any event, I found myself with a whole new set of behaviors; they included: being exceptionally mean, leaving the house only to go to school, but even then, I usually faked a cold so I could stay home.

No sooner had I become a custom to my new life as a hermit, we moved. Although this wasn't exactly a surprise change for me, because I saw it coming. I knew he was bad news, and although I tried to warn her, my mother disregarded my warnings, putting them off as me acting out, and jealousy over the fact that I was no longer the center of attention. We moved into an apartment, it wasn't a bad apartment, but I had never lived in one before, so it was weird for me. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy, and I felt like myself. I kind of picked up where I left off, outside all the time, and raising my school grades back to A's and B's. I made a lot of new friends, and reunited with my old ones, and life was great.

My ninth birthday party was amazing. It was talked about for months at school, and I became popular. Everybody wanted to be my best friend, but I only had one. Before my birthday party, we hardly spoke; Even though we had gone to the same school since we were four. Also, before my birthday party, she had been the most popular girl at school, and although we both had equal spots in the spotlight, she wanted more, and she wanted me to herself. She began spreading rumors, you know the nasty ones girls spread. Soon I found myself without friends at school, but a best friend outside of school. Thats how it worked with her. She hated me at school, infront of people, but outside of school, in the privacy of our homes, I was her best friend, her confidant.

At this point in my life, I found a pattern with myself. If things were good, I was great. If even one thing was out of place, I spun out of control. I was a complete, utter disaster. When the seventh grade rolled around, I was prepared, I was early to school, it was my fresh start. I began dating a boy that I had known for almost all my life, and things were perfect. My marks were up, my attendance was perfect. He broke up with me for the first time shortly after new years. We had been together for five months. This is where a new pattern began in my life. I didn't show up to school the next day, and I mopped around until he wanted me again. This went on for the rest of the year. In that time, I began being meaner, shoplifting, drinking, and skipping school. As time went on we were apart more then we were together, and it drove me crazy. I fucked up my schooling, I got put into a behavior class, and I thought it would be my demise, but it was exactly what I needed.

It was my own self pity that kept me from returning to that school. I ended up going to an inner city school. Had I stayed at the other school, I would have stayed on my up down roller-coaster with him; instead, I made amazing friends, and I got a new boyfriend. However, the drinking continued, I was the poster girl for bitch, but that was minor compared to the year before. Anyways, after that amazing year, things changed. My best friend and I grew apart, and that was an unexpected change, although I gradually saw our friendship depleting to nothing, I didn't stop it, and I dug myself further into a hole.

The same situation went on for almost two years, until June 2006 when I received the most amazing news, I was going to become a sister. I anxiously awaited February 1st, the day my baby brother was due. By new years, I was so anxious, I could hardly stand it. I wanted him to come early so bad, and you know what? He did. He was three weeks early, but he was born healthy, and perfect. He resembled me in a lot of ways, and when I held him for the first time, he made my life complete. Everything, and anything that didn't make sense before, made sense.

We named him Colton. Colton was amazing, and he made me want to do better for myself, so I worked harder in school, I took extra courses through home school, and I got my first job. I did it all for us. He and I, so that I could be good for him, and able to help him through life. He needed me, and I needed him. We were closer than anything, anyone, and unfortunetly my love for him put everything else on the side burner. I dropped out of school.

She was so mad when she found out, the girl I mean. She saw that Colton had been pawned off on me. I was taken advantage of, and so I left him to do better for myself. Or, thats what I told myself. I began trying new things,and putting myself in a worse situation than I ever could have imagined. I suppose guilt played a part, guilt for leaving my brother, and I tried to drown it out, or make excuses why it was ok. Its not like I never saw him, but the guilt lingered anyways.

Reverie: Kick Start my Heart... or boner!

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Reverie: Happy Birthday to You!

Well, its a couple days late. Happy Birthday Hunter Ray, my youngest brother. Today is our birthday party for him. I got him a pretty great gift, I can't wait to see his reaction to it. As for my day, it started out ok. I stupid dog woke me up, I wanted to snap its neck. Its kind of my fault, I didn't get much sleep, I stayed up much later then I should have, reading the 4th book of the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn. Its pretty awesome, I'm sad to be almost finished it. My birthday is in 15 days, finally 18! but I'm more excited about The Sims 3 coming out June 2. I know its kind of lame, but I can't help it. LOL.

Reverie: A Response to 2 Red Deaths + One White Death = Different Media Coverage and different degrees of sympathy?

I believe that the lack of media coverage on the death of the teen's on the reserve has NOTHING to do with race. Everybody is advertising Cassie's death, and her parent's are speaking out to everyone of all ages. Them speaking out includes contacting the media themselves, writing letters to celebrities, etc. Now if I am COMPLETELY wrong here, and the parents/guardians of the teens that died on the reserve were contacting the media and what not, then I will make another blog apologizing. I just have a little more faith in today's society. Race is hardly an issue now-a-days. Cassie's death was also probably more publicized due to the fact that it went down at WEM (West Edmonton Mall) in Galaxyland at a monthly underage party called Rock'N'Ride. Thats kind of a big deal, kids sneaking in drugs past security (security that search you). Its kind of like a big bust type a deal. If anything, its igorance from adults, not even noticing, and kids getting stealthier by the day. In my opinion, race has nothing to do with the situation.