October 21, 2011

Face Punched!

Yo mang.

So like. going to write a better one later. BUT. here's a quickie for now.

I am basically frozen with the question of why cant I be without you. How was I so wrong?

and why is everyone so deadset on blaming their shit on me.

Real great, 'cause you know I'll take the blame, if it makes em feel better....

October 3, 2011

Read at Your Own Discretion

Ok so, before you continue reading, I need to let you know, that, the subject I'm going to write about, can be very scary or overwhelming for some people, so, here's your chance to stop reading.........

I'm sure you've all heard of people living double lives. I am one of those people. I'm Amanda and, generally by looking at me, you wouldn't be able to tell that I'm not just Amanda. I'm Amanda, the girl that does meth.

So, your probably sitting there right now thinking to yourself (or saying out loud) "METH?"

Yes. Meth. This is basically it in a summary, in case you don't know.

"Methamphetamine (USAN) (pronounced /ˌmɛθæmˈfɛtəmiːn/ listen) (also known as methamfetamine (INN), N-methylamphetamine, methylamphetamine, and desoxyephedrine) is a psychostimulant of the phenethylamine and amphetamine class of psychoactive drugs. When used illicitly, methamphetamine is commonly referred to as "crystal meth", "meth", "ice", or "glass".

Methamphetamine increases alertness, concentration, energy, and in high doses, may induce euphoria, enhance self-esteem and increase libido. Methamphetamine has high potential for abuse and addiction, activating the psychological reward system by triggering a cascading release of dopamine in the brain. Methamphetamine is FDA approved for the treatment of ADHD and exogenous obesity. It is dispensed in the USA under the trademark name Desoxyn.

As a result of methamphetamine-induced neurotoxicity to dopaminergic neurons, chronic abuse may also lead to post acute withdrawals which persist beyond the withdrawal period for months, and even up to a year. Research has found that 20% of methamphetamine addicts experience a psychosis resembling schizophrenia which persists for longer than six months post-methamphetamine use; this amphetamine psychosis can be resistant to traditional treatment. In addition to psychological harm, physical harm, primarily consisting of cardiovascular damage, may occur with chronic use or acute overdose."

Now, I know, the next question "Why Amanda?"

and since you know, I'm all me and shit, I'm not going to sit here and bullshit ya, so here's "why",

Because I felt like it.

I have been using for 5 years now, and it does not effect my life, I do.

I am currently at an all time low, and ironically, I lost it all while I was clean.

I don't do anything illegal to obtain my dope, if I have it, I have it, if not.. meh.

Except lately, I want it, always. I like life better that way, 'cause there's not much I like about life right now. .....

anyways....

I'm writing this to get it out there, 'cause I really am still Amanda, its not the drugs that have ruined me, its been people, and myself for letting people hurt me.. and Colton... I have no words for that... and no it hasn't gotten better, it still hurts like fuck. I just learned to live with it... I carry that with me every day. Its my ball & chain.

but, thats another story.

I was 15 years old, and as usual I'm unique... because I never smoked weed, or cigarettes, the first thing I ever did, was crystal meth.

So, basically end of story.

The thing that is really pissing me off though, that inspired me to write this blog...

My mom just found out. K. and she's trying to act all sketchy around me now, like I'm going to steal her stuff or whatever.

Like, I've been doing it for 5 years. That's right, I've been living in the same world you have been, going through the motions... doing drugs. All the while, keeping myself.

Drugs don't ruin people; People do it all themselves. Its all in your mind.

Now, if your going to start treating me like shit or think I'm less then you because I smoke meth, you can go kick rocks, 'cause what do you think is in cigarettes? or your prescription drugs. Even weed, and alcohol... its all the same, its all hard on your body. Your no better then me, it doesn't define me. In the end, I'm still Amanda, and your still whoever you are and we, ultimately make ourselves.

I mean, I've done quite a bit of different drugs.. and quite honestly,

its a lot more milder of a drug,

Ecstasy, Ketamine,Crack, Inhalants, Acid...

all bad action.

Just sayin.