Him & I

When I was a little girl watching The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, the princess and the goblins, etc, I knew I wanted that kind of Love when I grew up, only to find out when I grew up, that Love like that is almost only ever seen in Disney movies, Harlequin romance novels & Hallmark cards.

Then I met Devin. 

(to be continued) 

Genomelink

Hi, I'd like to shine some light at this cool new website I've stumbled upon called Genomelink. 

With this site you can upload your raw dna files, and it will tell you all about your genetics. ....

It can tell you whether your afraid of heights, or if your hairy, or aggressive. It's pretty interesting.

Ernest Watson

Babies shouldn't die,

Soulmates should never have to seperate.

Unfortunately for me, I live in a world where babies die, and love fails.

I wouldn't wish the pain in my heart on my worst enemy.

It's a miracle that I'm sitting here writting this, but Of course that is just one more thing I should be grateful for that I take forgranted....

When he leaves me, waiting for him, I isolate myself, I don't return text messages or phone calls. I miss appointments...I would like to say I lose track of time but every single second drags out into minutes, hours, then days, then weeks, eventually months....

Its insanity. And it repeats itself flawlessly. See, while this is happening I am well aware of the consequences and situations that follow, however my mind cannot snap out of the anxiety of need you to hold me, and nothing else matters.

Then there I am, laying in your arms. My anxiety is cured, my heart is whole & everything is right again, but its like trying to hold on to sand as it helplessly slips through my fingers, because all the reactions to my actions have built up, and I know, that I'm not free, and I know soon again something will take my love away from me.

I can't stop loving Devin. I've tried literally everything. When he's gone, I do whatever I can to avoid having to be present in his absence.

When I'm in his arms, everything is perfect, and even though I know that the nightmare is soon to follow, I cant stop smiling, and those are the moments I hold on for.

As time goes on, I feel like I'm losing him, and by that I mean, he's too tired to fight & I understand, even though it hurts me.

I strongly believe that we are weaker apart, and that's why I'm asking for help to beat our demons.....pray for him & I....

I love you to Iraq & Back

19 letters

19 letters,
They belong to your name,
& the pain in my soul.

Devin Ernest Bouchard,

You changed my life

& nobody has ever been able to love me, the way you loved me.

The end of Him, the beginning of.........?

Good job, you finally did it.
Regardless the reason, I will never let you in again.

Welcome to Fuckoffs-Ville, population: you, ya goof.

You couldn't tell the truth to save your life,
And I don't got time for that shit.

Finally my life is going back to normal,
Now that you and your supersize baggage are out of my life I feel like I am free.

Free of the bullshit, the stress and to find someone who has a life.

#ciao2thebullshit

Epic 💓 break

All I wanted was to have you in my arms one more time....I craved it even.

Well I got what I wanted. 8 days of having the love I love the most.

I couldn't get over it. I thought I was dreaming.

I wasn't though.

And once again you told me, you were never leaving again. And I believed you.

Then you went to see your daughter,
And I lost you again.

I'm still trying to figure out if those 8 days were worth how I'm left feeling.

This place is ruined for me, it's full of memories of you now and they are everywhere.

I can't escape them.

I don't know why of all the people in the world you had to pick me.

I wish you never happened to me.

Inside I'm like so fucking broken,
But on the outside I'm trying to appear like I'm okay.

You know, this truly could be the beginning of the end of me.

Only time will tell.

(untitled) 071417

The moment I fell in love with you, I knew my world would never be the same, but I never imagined it would be like this. To be honest, most days are good, I'm happy, and then something little will happen, like walking by a blue dodge ram, that's when it hurts the most.

The way I miss you comes and fills my lungs instead of air, and every breath hurts. With every beat of my heart comes another memory of you, another picture in my head, another word you said, your laugh, your smile & the way you looked at me.

It's hard to get out of those moments because a part of me wants to stay there because it's all I have left of you.

I often wonder if I'll ever let go, or if a part of me will always be waiting.

You know it's funny to the world, your nothing special. Just your less than average uneducated middle aged man, but in my world your so much more.

Your everything to me.

I'm sure there is a perfectly good purpose for my having to go through this, but I want you to know, I forgive you and when you go again, I hope you find peace, unlike me, instead of being at peace I'm in pieces.

I've been missing you for longer then you've actually been gone. I want to move on, but my heart's got other plans.

On a positive note, I've been given inspiration to write again, so that's what I've been doing, taking the pain and letting it flow in my words. I can't bottle this up no more. Like I said in the beginning, most days are good, I'm happy, and I want to keep it that way.

I can only keep what I have by giving it away, by letting my tears flow, and by being honest about the fact that yeah I'm really fucking heart broken, but I'm the happiest I've been in a long time, ironic as that sounds.

So I'd like to thank you...because I let you build me high up on words and promises, and when you left I fell, but in the process I learnt how to fly.

#seeingthelightindarkness