Rainy Day

So its been a while, well.. a long while since I last posted, not too much has changed. I'm still with CJ, I love him just as much as ever. I'm 19 now, for my birthday I got an ipod touch, a tattoo, and some nice clothes among other things... my tattoo is in memory of Colton, its beautiful. So far this month I've slipped up twice, I am high actually now as I right this... imagine that haha. I've seen the exGF a few times as well, she hasn't changed much, except for how she's a junky. nut yaaa

Premonition

I can't possibly use the right words to explain how much I love you, but I do. Those three words are most definitely said too much, but I couldn't mean it more when I say them to you. I wish this will never end.

Reverie: The Real Story.

So, pretty much, last year sucked, my baby brother died, I lost my apartment, then my girlfriend of two years, I almost OD'd on XTC, and then I found out I had to have major surgery. It couldn't have been worse. but through all that, I learned to make myself be happy anyways, to pretend that things aren't bothering me, when in all reality, they are. and I met a boy, and I didn't plan on it, but I fell in love with him. This year was supposed to be different, and it has been. He has made me happier then I've been in a long time. The thing is, he hates himself, and it hurts that he hates himself. but I pretend to be happy, happy when he leaves to get high, the only part I'm happy about is when he comes back, because then I get to hold him. 5 days ago he left, and he hasn't been back. He hasn't even called, I have had to call him. I've been walking around in what I call zombie mode, all because I don't know what this means. I know he loves me, I really believe he does. Its his feelings towards himself that worry me. I just don't know how to help him.

So yeahhh....

I totally love morning sex. Word.

:blush: :$

oh, and today something i never thought would happen..happened. my mom walked in on us in the middle of doing it... .. agh.. embarrassing? I know right...


PS: I just switched to this email, bonenaked@gmail.com because I am no longer sldspanda...

Whoops, I forgot!

Well, first post of 2010. Its been a while my friend, months in fact. Don't worry though, your getting updated. Clearly. So, In October I almost od'd on XTC. Which is lame. and in November I quit pint. The beginning of December, I moved into Serena's, I met this incredible boy, I found out I had this giant ass cyst on my right ovary, which meant I needed surgery, and I found out I was expecting. Me and him are doing good, I slipped up once in January and bought pint. I had my surgery on the 27th of January, they removed my right ovary, and me and his thing. Which we called Trunks. haah. I have since started school, and am doing very well in my life. Although, I could stand for a little less drama, but, its life, its to be expected.

O.o To Her.

When I lost my brother, I thought all I had left in the world was you.

When I lost you too, I still had that belief.

For one week I embarked on what I can now call the darkest journey of my life, due to the belief,
that you were all I had left, and I had lost you, and I had nothing.

I couldn't go home. One day I had no choice, I had to go home.

Turns out that was the best decision I had made in a week.

For some reason, and I still to this day, am not sure why, but I sent a txt message to my stepdad, asking him how to "make it not hurt".

Without even a question, he told me to come over. Thats exactly what I did.

I am now able to, when I look back, realize the things that were negative, things that I contributed to, and things you contributed to, and things that we contributed to.

I see them perfectly now, and I understand everything you've said to me.

I realize that I should not have started a relationship with you before you dealt with the one
you just got out of, and more importantly, I should have never tried to change you. You are
who you are, I loved you as such in the beginning, and I let my own issues with myself blind me
from realizing that even though you had your flaws, I loved everyone of them.

The biggest thing is, when you cheated one me, I realized that it had nothing to do with me
not being good enough, and you really didn't mean to hurt me. I also realize, that, I lost my
trust for you completely, and that was not your fault. As much as I tried, I couldn't find it inside
myself to just let go, and trust you. You can't have a relationship without trust, and therefor,
I'm sorry I let my inability to trust you demolish our relationship. It wasn't fair to you.

The thing I am most sorry for, is instead of treating you as a person in our relationship, I
treated you as a security blanket. To wipe away my tears, make me smile when I was down,
to take my anger out on, to put my happiness above your own. I realize that when you in
a relationship, you work as a team, and even though I had my moments, you were always
left to do it on your own, to pick up my pieces.

After all of this, I realized that I would not take it back for the world. The things we've done,
the things we saw. We did so much together, and what made those things so great, was you.
Even though our relationship was on the rocks, my best friend was with me through it all.
You were always more then just my girlfriend, that was just a small piece of the big picture.
Our love is something special, its all around us in many forms.

I don't know why things happened the way they did, losing Colton, losing you, but that all
happened for a reason, and I trust that things will work themselves out.

Its still hard being without you, everything reminds me of you, everywhere I go, everything
I do, everything I see, everything I hear. Its stupid because its the small things that I miss
the most. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Losing you, and Losing Colton made me realize the potential I can have. That nobody can make
me happy except for me. It was never you that had to change, it was me. && You might not
believe me, but I have changed, and grown in such a short amount of time that it came as a
shock to even myself. All the experiences I went through with Colton, and with you, I now see
as lessons. Even the negative things I am now able to look at as good.

Thank you for everything you've given me,
I know its still hard right now, and seeing you with someone else is really hard, but I really miss
my best friend, and I know she's there somewhere.