The end of Him, the beginning of.........?

Good job, you finally did it.
Regardless the reason, I will never let you in again.

Welcome to Fuckoffs-Ville, population: you, ya goof.

You couldn't tell the truth to save your life,
And I don't got time for that shit.

Finally my life is going back to normal,
Now that you and your supersize baggage are out of my life I feel like I am free.

Free of the bullshit, the stress and to find someone who has a life.

#ciao2thebullshit

Epic 💓 break

All I wanted was to have you in my arms one more time....I craved it even.

Well I got what I wanted. 8 days of having the love I love the most.

I couldn't get over it. I thought I was dreaming.

I wasn't though.

And once again you told me, you were never leaving again. And I believed you.

Then you went to see your daughter,
And I lost you again.

I'm still trying to figure out if those 8 days were worth how I'm left feeling.

This place is ruined for me, it's full of memories of you now and they are everywhere.

I can't escape them.

I don't know why of all the people in the world you had to pick me.

I wish you never happened to me.

Inside I'm like so fucking broken,
But on the outside I'm trying to appear like I'm okay.

You know, this truly could be the beginning of the end of me.

Only time will tell.

(untitled) 071417

The moment I fell in love with you, I knew my world would never be the same, but I never imagined it would be like this. To be honest, most days are good, I'm happy, and then something little will happen, like walking by a blue dodge ram, that's when it hurts the most.

The way I miss you comes and fills my lungs instead of air, and every breath hurts. With every beat of my heart comes another memory of you, another picture in my head, another word you said, your laugh, your smile & the way you looked at me.

It's hard to get out of those moments because a part of me wants to stay there because it's all I have left of you.

I often wonder if I'll ever let go, or if a part of me will always be waiting.

You know it's funny to the world, your nothing special. Just your less than average uneducated middle aged man, but in my world your so much more.

Your everything to me.

I'm sure there is a perfectly good purpose for my having to go through this, but I want you to know, I forgive you and when you go again, I hope you find peace, unlike me, instead of being at peace I'm in pieces.

I've been missing you for longer then you've actually been gone. I want to move on, but my heart's got other plans.

On a positive note, I've been given inspiration to write again, so that's what I've been doing, taking the pain and letting it flow in my words. I can't bottle this up no more. Like I said in the beginning, most days are good, I'm happy, and I want to keep it that way.

I can only keep what I have by giving it away, by letting my tears flow, and by being honest about the fact that yeah I'm really fucking heart broken, but I'm the happiest I've been in a long time, ironic as that sounds.

So I'd like to thank you...because I let you build me high up on words and promises, and when you left I fell, but in the process I learnt how to fly.

#seeingthelightindarkness

I'm that girl #AK #akaAmandaKelly

Tell your friends,
I'm setting trends.
Famous for the wrong reasons,
I'm changing my ways,
Chasing the day
Inside my head I'm fighting my demons.
For once I am winning.
This is what dreams are made of,
I hope to inspire,
With these gifts I've so graciously acquired.
The end.

Reverie: straight from my soul

Hot sunny summer days,
Of which I miss you the most.
Every time my heart beats,
the way you swept me off my feet.
Reverie,
Everything you meant to me,
I mean, still are to me.
The sun just don't shine the same way
No more.
Memories, and realizing that you'll
never be the man I thought I seen.
Beneath the sheets, and underneath the
Bed, where monsters lay,
Are all the words I ever heard you say.
I can't drown them, they know how to swim.
Forever and always turned out to be
Never & forget.
I'll keep keeping on,
I will not fail.
You did not win.
Goodbye & good luck.

Won't you come and wash away the rain

If I'm honest with myself, then I know the reason for this heavyness in my soul comes from the distance between us, the skies and the stars, and the hole in my heart where you belong. It's a mystery how I'm still convinced some how we are meant to be, while I'm left here reminiscing the way you used to look at me. How could a person fake that? But that's something only you would know. Me, I'm forever wondering whether I'm crazy or not, for believing when I should not.

Reverie: said the fly to the flea

I wonder if what we had was ever real. How could you just delete me out of your life. Better yet, could you kindly please tell me the trick because I am missing you and it's killing me. Slowly. I'll be okay and then I'll be alone and I'll remember something you said. At first it makes me sad then I start thinking of how evil you must be to make me believe we are so in love just to have you walk away like I am nothing. You know I like to pretend like you didn't do this on purpose, that Bella was so happy to see you that you couldn't leave her. And I would understand. But the fact that you couldn't even have the decency to call and say you changed your mind.

I am left with so many questions, so much emptiness...And every day the need for me to get answers to these questions becomes more intense.

Please God let him grow some parts and contact me.

Reverie: 1:corinthians13

Devin, 

Today I heard you were being good.

I was shocked that it actually made me happy rather then depressed.

Yep. 

As long as your happy I am okay with being without you,

I Love You, Goodbye.

Reverie: 26217

Sunday, God's day.

Today Danielle and I went to my Grandma's for dinner. It was wonderful, here's the low down:

Spare Ribs & Sauerkraut

Mashed potatoes & Gravy

Roast Beef

Salsa Ranch Salad

and last but not least, homemade apple crisp & vanilla ice cream.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Just sayin.

Reverie: Today

My Grad was wonderful, I am now officially in Block 2.

The best part about my grad is that my dad was there. It meant so much to me. and he bawled his eyes out. Like he is so proud of me.

I had so much support and love from my family at my Grad it was nice.

Alex and Danielle have weekend passes but they don't seem to be leaving so that will be cool if they spend the weekend home with me.

This is my 1st time getting redemption since October.

Reverie: Day before tomorrow

So Grad is tomorrow, I can hardly wait. This week has gone by so quick....

Will write a good one tomorrow.

Reverie:

Well these are my last couple days in Block 1, can't say I'm not eager to get into deeper connection with God & myself. 

This week is going to be a short week, and time seems to be going so fast. 

but I am really tired and that's all I have to say right now.

Reverie: Happiness all around

Well, even though its Monday. it feels like Sunday.

My weekend was wonderful, spent it with family and did some self care. Nails & Toes and my eyebrows waxed. I also bought myself a nice outfit to wear to my grad. Which is in 4 days, I can't wait.

My dad is coming.to my grad and I am so excited, I went to see him today and he looked so good and healthy, I am so proud of him.

So many things in my life are going well, and I'm just so grateful to have this safe place in which to heal myself.

I wonder why things happen how they do, I miss Devin every day, I guess I am mourning the friendship or security of our over the phone relationship.

I wonder what made him decide to just walk away from me,

and I wish I could have it in my heart to just do to him what he does to me,
but I could never imagine hurting a person or damaging them the way he does to me.

Then one day he'll try and walk back into my life, like nothing happened, and I always am just so happy to have him back that I allow him to think its ok to do that to me.

This time is different though, and that's why I am particularly more sad about it. This time I have boundaries and it is not ok, this time I will not let him back, this time I'm really letting him go, and it hurts so much because I know one day he'll contact me and I'm going to have to enforce that boundary. I cannot allow him  to intentionally put me in a position where my whole life is on hold waiting for him. I haven't been able to love myself or let anyone else get close to me because he might decide to make an appearance in my life again, and I lived for that.

I got into a relationship and was emotionally unavailable to that person because Devin said he loved me so I couldn't allow myself to be loved by someone else.

Cutting ties with Devin Bouchard is terribly depressing for me and not the way I ever saw this going, but enough is enough. I'm done competing for a spot in his chaotic, life that's filled with lies and broken  promises,

I Love him dearly, but that part of my life is officially finished,

No more Johnny and Ashley.

Just me, myself & I..... and God.

Amen

Reverie: Untitled

Well my Grandma is super happy I am here spending time with her. Last night my Uncle Randy came in from Saskatchewan with his wife and my cousin Colton. I honestly hadn't seen them for about 8 years or so. Colton is only 14 and he's like 6"5 its insane. I think there's something in the water out in Saskatchewan that caused his enormous height.

We went to Capital Steak and Pizza, I had bake ravioli with meat sauce, it was phenomenal. \

Reverie: Real Talk

Honestly I miss Devin. I miss our calls at 5 & 9, I miss hearing his voice. Yeah I feel like there's a huge void in my life.

I also feel like I can't miss him, I can't cry, I have to pretend like I dont wake up wishing he'd never done this to me again... but I do, and he did & I just have to keep on living like it doesn't bother me because if I don't I'll get swept away by my emotions.

I mean on the outside its ok, I'm meeting my requirements, and I'm not isolating in my room. 
Which is good, but also scary.

I'm trying to work through my steps and deal with this is a safe way that doesn't come back to haunt me later. One day at a time I'm ok without him. One day at a time I'm ok with just me.

I'm getting really excited for my Grad to Block 2. Finally I'll get to be in class with my best friend Alex again.

I'm going to spend the weekend with my Grandma, she's pretty excited. She's been missing me the past month and a half because first she was sick, then I was sick, and then Devin left me so I was kind of isolating.

That is all for today.

Reverie: Meanings of things

rev·er·ie

ˈrev(ə)rē/

noun

noun: reverie; plural noun: reveries

1. a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts; a daydream.

   "a knock on the door broke her reverie"

   synonyms:

   daydream, daydreaming, trance, musing; More inattention, inattentiveness, woolgathering, preoccupation, absorption, abstraction, lack of concentration "she was startled out of her reverie by a loud crash"

   • Music

     an instrumental piece suggesting a dreamy or musing state.
   • archaic

     a fanciful or impractical idea or theory.

 So after all these years, I have finally posted the meaning of my ever famous title to most of my blogs Reverie.

Hi my name is Amanda, and I'm still an addict.
Devin got out, I finally seen him, but haven't heard from him since. Its probably for the best. I'm thinking that he needs to be with his wife and figure out what the heck he wants, but I'm not waiting for him.

I'm in the process of working on my Step 4 of CA steps. I was kind of in a state of withdrawl following Devin's sudden disapearence from my life.

on the positive side of things I am graduating to block 2 of my program in like 10 days and I'm super excited. I'm super excited to be moving along in my program.

Reverie: niveD

It feels just like yesterday, we were literally torn from each other's arms. There was nothing either of us could do or say, it was out of our hands. Now in just 12 short days you'll be free. I've been waiting for this day for so long it just doesn't seem real. Its like my mind just wont let me accept that this will all finally be over. Words can't explain the pain I've had in my heart just getting by. Some how I have made it to now, the moment when our hearts collide.

You are my best friend, and the love of my life. I can't wait to see you, and I'm excited to find out what life has in store for us.

Reverie: 11717

Well it's officially been over 6 months since I walked away from Barry, cuffs and all. 6 months since I gave my trust to God. I was scared but somehow I knew I'd be okay. And I am. I am doing the best I've done in years.

The best part is the Love of my life will be in my arms in 14 days. Actually almost 13 days. Every little thing is just falling into place.

Even going tanning every couple days with Alex is wonderful ...Self care is where it's at.

Reverie: Colton's 10th Birthday

This day, at 9:27pm, 10 years ago, the most significant event occured in my life,
your birth.

As long as I could remember I always wanted a little brother or sister, and you fullfilled my
life long dream. I remember falling in love with you, I remember you falling in love with
me. I remember dressing you up in all your outfits and doing photoshoots, and you were
happy to let me.

I'm not sure what to say, its not fair that you had your life taken so soon. You never
got to learn how to ride a bike, you never got to get excited for your birthday, or Christmas.
You never got to have your first day of school, you just missed out on so much,
more importantly, the world missed out on having such an amazing little boy in it.

You werenn't even two years old and you had the ability to change my entire life,

You are one of the questions I have that I'll never have an answer to,
why did you have to live, and love me, and why did you have to die before you ever got to live?

Colton, you are such a blessing, and I pray one day I get to hold you again,

I wonder if you've stayed only a baby or if your a child...

Either which way, no matter how old either of us get, you will always be my baby brother,
the little boy who changed my entire life in less then 2 years.

Happy Birthday Colton,

Love your Big Sister <3

Reverie: What Brings me here

No options, last resort, my lawyer, God, and my desire to make it.
Just a few answers to what brought me to Wellspring.

I've been really depressed lately. Not clinquely, just momentarily, circumstancially based.
Temporary, but intensely strong and very difficult to rationalize my feelings as temporary 
at the time when I feel so hopeless, worthless and unable to control the outcome of certain things.

So in an attempt to forsee things before they happen, I bought a deck of tarrot cards. 
I don't really know how to use them yet, but I played with them once, they gave me answers
I wanted to hear, I think.

Ok so Devin gets out in 22 days, this is very exciting and scary for me. So much of my energy goes
into phone calls with him, I don't know how things will turn out or if they will work out.

Its kind of like the past two years I've been rehearsing and this is the real thing. What if I forget
my lines.....what if I get a bad case of stage fright and there's no audience for me to invision
naked to cure my phobia.

What if he's not strong enough to walk this path with me? Then he'll have to walk alone because
I can't mess this up for anyone or anything. If I leave here 3 things I can guarentee to happen,
jails, institutions & death. 

Sure they might not come right away, sure I might have fun fior a while, it might be great,
but the fun will end eventually when I have no place to sleep, no place to call home & I will
be living in fear because I will have warrants.

I'm hoping I am able to let these momentary feeelings pass and not let them consume me,
tomorrow is a different day it true, but its what you choose to make of it that counts.

I just have to keep telling myself, that I'm okay until I believe it.