February 24, 2009

Reverie -Part 17

Its been well over a month now since my life came to a screaching hault, so I'm going to try filling on all the events that have been happening since that day, well since before that because I don't want to forget my last times with that boy.

So December 27, 28, 29 and 30th Colton stayed over, the last day he was here was kind of hectic, the girl and I got a noise complaint about him running around. but one thing I'm glad about is that I finally downloaded Happy Feet for him, he was so happy, we cuddled on the couch and watched it. The last night he was here, I also went into his room, and we cuddled and watched Mulan, he fell asleep in my arms, and we woke-up that way; It made me feel so happy to wake-up with my sleepy-headed baby brother snoring away in my arms.

My mom had him from the 31st until the 2nd, and then on the 3rd which was her 29th birthday, she picked up Colton and we went to my Uncle Dean's for birthday cake. When I walked out of the bulding I could see/hear him in the car freaking out at my mom because he knew where he was, his sisters house and he thought my mom was keeping him from me, her backseat sure took a beating.

In my Uncle's Colton and I had a blast; I stood at one of the room, and he ran to me with the biggest smile. We did it so much, my arms were so sore, but he wouldn't let up. Then once I tired of that, he had me throw him up in the air half a dozen times.

The 6th is when it all went down. I was waiting for my dads call, Leah was supposed to be coming over the with kids, finally at about 2:25pm I got the phone call. Only it wasn't what I was expecting. It was my dad, sounding very obviously distraught. I thought maybe it was another thing with him and Leah, when all of a sudden the words came out: "Amanda, something terrible has happened... you brother" at this point I was expecting him to say Colton had another one of his seizures... thats when he finished:"dead"... Dead... so final; thats when I was grasping at straws... it couldn't be Colton... please dad, please say Hunter...."Colton's dead" he cried.... 2:24pm, was the last time I was normal, sometimes I wish I never answered that phone call. Maybe then I'd still think I had a brother. Well I do still have a brother, its just not Colton.

So anyways, I think I was in such uder shock; I said "ok" he told me to get a hold of my mom; and I turned around and went to go back on facebook and pretend I didn't just recieve that phone call. After sitting for a couple minutes, staring blankly at my computer screen, I got angry... why wasn't I crying, Colton was dead, the most important in my life gone forever, and what... so I ran into the bedroom, threw myself on the bed, grabbed Sara and screamed "he's dead, he's dead, my brothers dead".... she thought it was a joke. I wished it was joke.

Once inside at my dads, we had to wait for the 'ok' from the cops to go down. My mom tried starting to fight with Leah right away, but I was too busy to pay attention. Instead I stared at the bedroom door that belonged to Colton's room, the room he and I shared for so long. It had been closed by the police until the Medical Examiner got there. Colton wasn't in there, he was upstairs in the landlords kitchen, on their table. I sat on the couch, staring at his toys, his high chair that still had last nights dinner on it. I stared at his clothes, and his favorite toys that I played with him all the time. I just sat there. Staring. Hoping it was a dream, or a nightmare, I was waiting to wake up; I wasn't waking up though, because it was very real.

He died in his play pen. Sometime after midnight. Nobody found him until about 2pm. Thats pretty sad. He didn't even finish his bottle. He always finished his bottle. The autopsy came back; he was healthy, he didn't die from SIDS according to them. So we are just waiting on the toxicology.

Three days after he died, social services took Hunter for 3months. Then it was on to funeral arrangements. We had a wake for him, I stayed the whole night from 3pm until 6am, then I went home to get the memorial video I made for him. Before I left my dad kicked out Leah's family, it didn't go so well, The cops were called. They told them to leave. When I came back for the funeral at 10:00am, I showed up to almost 20 cops, and a riot. It looked like a gangster funeral. Then Leah's sister yelled at me, for god knows what, but I swore back at her, and walked away into the church. At the wake it was ok, being in the room with Coltons body. At 3am though, I broke down and cried on his casket; that was the only time. I could have left sooner, but I wanted to stay. It was my last over nighter with my brother...ever.. but at the funeral, /I didn't cry. Also when they opened the casket for the last goodbye thing, I didn't go up, I couldn't handle it.

After the funeral, the police were called again. Then we went back to my dads friends for dinner, then I went home; I have a shrine of Colton in my living room, all his favorite things, his bottle, some clothes, and his last pair of sneakers. I have a ton of picture, and I even got a Colton hoodie. I made a group for him on facebook, it has 233 people as of right now, and I also made a cause for him on facebook, that has 107.

I have a bunch of videos, but that, and the pictures just don't seem to be enough. I sleep with his blanket that was with him in the playpen when he died. Sometimes it makes me sick. but it still smells of him. It doesn't do justice to his hugs, but its all I got left.

Since Colton died, my dad has been staying with the girl and I, and also Leah came along shortly after. They fight a lot and my dads been wicked cranky. The girl doesn't even feel comfortable in her own place anymore, not to mention its wicked messy.

By the way I'm writing this on our laptop, we finally got it. I would be more happier about it, but considering the circumstances.

I miss him so much I can't even explain the emptyness inside of me. Its gross, and it makes me feel so sick. So I try to cover it up with anything I can. Could you believe right now I'm supposed to be high, and yet all I can think about is this. I took XTC last week, and even that couldn't block it out. I try talking about it; it doesn't help. I'm hoping this might help.

/You know about two weeks before he died, he was staying at my house, and I was wearing pants with a broken tie around the waist, and Colton was running around, I was trying to get him to stop, I got up and stepped on my own toe, it bend under itself, and it bruised. The worst part is, the bruise is still there, and he's not. but after I did it, I layed on the bed, and he came into the room, he was worried about me, he grabbed my pant leg, and lifted my foot up; then he put a pillow under it, and said "good good good".

I wish I could take his place. You know, and I regret so many things now. A lot of the time I wish I had never left, and I never ran off the the girl, and I never started doing the things I do. He was so hurt every time I left. Sometimes I didn't even say bye to him. I was an amazing sister to him, I know that, but I can't help thinking I could've done more. He loved me so much, and even though to a point my staying away was for good reasons, a lot of the time I just was too lazy, or too busy. I never could have predicted this, him dying I mean; so I try not to be so hard on myself; but its just so hard. He meant everything to me. He was the only thing, the one person I figured I would always have. If things didn't work out with the girl, I would've had him, and whenever something bad happened, I would just hold him, and it would all go away. and now thats gone, and prehaps its selfish of me, but I think I need him now more then he ever needed me.

Anyways, I think I hear my dad and Leah fighting again, I better go check it out.

xo.

February 14, 2009

Reverie -Valentines Day

Well Valentines Day is almost over.
Mine was marvelous thank you very much. Currently, I'm just flyingg high
on XTC

fuck ya <3

February 11, 2009

Reverie -Dearest 2nd Brother

Dear Hunter:

As your sister, I have not always stepped up to the plate, and for that I apologize. From now on, I'm going to be there for you every step of the way. You are the last chance I have at a brother, and I'm not going to let you down. Colton was amazing with you, and you lost him too; so I promise I will take care of you and be your defender just as he would've been. I love you Hunter, and I promise you'll be back with us soon.

February 8, 2009

Reverie: XBOXLIVE