Face Punched!

Yo mang.

So like. going to write a better one later. BUT. here's a quickie for now.

I am basically frozen with the question of why cant I be without you. How was I so wrong?

and why is everyone so deadset on blaming their shit on me.

Real great, 'cause you know I'll take the blame, if it makes em feel better....

Read at Your Own Discretion

Ok so, before you continue reading, I need to let you know, that, the subject I'm going to write about, can be very scary or overwhelming for some people, so, here's your chance to stop reading.........

I'm sure you've all heard of people living double lives. I am one of those people. I'm Amanda and, generally by looking at me, you wouldn't be able to tell that I'm not just Amanda. I'm Amanda, the girl that does meth.

So, your probably sitting there right now thinking to yourself (or saying out loud) "METH?"

Yes. Meth. This is basically it in a summary, in case you don't know.

"Methamphetamine (USAN) (pronounced /ˌmɛθæmˈfɛtəmiːn/ listen) (also known as methamfetamine (INN), N-methylamphetamine, methylamphetamine, and desoxyephedrine) is a psychostimulant of the phenethylamine and amphetamine class of psychoactive drugs. When used illicitly, methamphetamine is commonly referred to as "crystal meth", "meth", "ice", or "glass".

Methamphetamine increases alertness, concentration, energy, and in high doses, may induce euphoria, enhance self-esteem and increase libido. Methamphetamine has high potential for abuse and addiction, activating the psychological reward system by triggering a cascading release of dopamine in the brain. Methamphetamine is FDA approved for the treatment of ADHD and exogenous obesity. It is dispensed in the USA under the trademark name Desoxyn.

As a result of methamphetamine-induced neurotoxicity to dopaminergic neurons, chronic abuse may also lead to post acute withdrawals which persist beyond the withdrawal period for months, and even up to a year. Research has found that 20% of methamphetamine addicts experience a psychosis resembling schizophrenia which persists for longer than six months post-methamphetamine use; this amphetamine psychosis can be resistant to traditional treatment. In addition to psychological harm, physical harm, primarily consisting of cardiovascular damage, may occur with chronic use or acute overdose."

Now, I know, the next question "Why Amanda?"

and since you know, I'm all me and shit, I'm not going to sit here and bullshit ya, so here's "why",

Because I felt like it.

I have been using for 5 years now, and it does not effect my life, I do.

I am currently at an all time low, and ironically, I lost it all while I was clean.

I don't do anything illegal to obtain my dope, if I have it, I have it, if not.. meh.

Except lately, I want it, always. I like life better that way, 'cause there's not much I like about life right now. .....

anyways....

I'm writing this to get it out there, 'cause I really am still Amanda, its not the drugs that have ruined me, its been people, and myself for letting people hurt me.. and Colton... I have no words for that... and no it hasn't gotten better, it still hurts like fuck. I just learned to live with it... I carry that with me every day. Its my ball & chain.

but, thats another story.

I was 15 years old, and as usual I'm unique... because I never smoked weed, or cigarettes, the first thing I ever did, was crystal meth.

So, basically end of story.

The thing that is really pissing me off though, that inspired me to write this blog...

My mom just found out. K. and she's trying to act all sketchy around me now, like I'm going to steal her stuff or whatever.

Like, I've been doing it for 5 years. That's right, I've been living in the same world you have been, going through the motions... doing drugs. All the while, keeping myself.

Drugs don't ruin people; People do it all themselves. Its all in your mind.

Now, if your going to start treating me like shit or think I'm less then you because I smoke meth, you can go kick rocks, 'cause what do you think is in cigarettes? or your prescription drugs. Even weed, and alcohol... its all the same, its all hard on your body. Your no better then me, it doesn't define me. In the end, I'm still Amanda, and your still whoever you are and we, ultimately make ourselves.

I mean, I've done quite a bit of different drugs.. and quite honestly,

its a lot more milder of a drug,

Ecstasy, Ketamine,Crack, Inhalants, Acid...

all bad action.

Just sayin.

Methuation - Methamin A (Graduation Parody)

And so we talked all night about smoking meth the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave tonight we may not be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different flail.
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're smoking flapps and we can't slow down
These flapps are disappearing like our lighters
And I keep thinking of that night of flail
We didn't know much of flapps
But they were gone too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real tweaked
sat at home talking on the flail
we'd be chillin' but some how we'd always end up on one;
flapping at ourselves thinking flapps aren't fair
And this is how it feels

As we smoke meth
We start flailing
smoking meth hoots
all together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
smoking meth hoots.

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
will we still be smoking flaps
Will our flailing still be funny
Will we still be forgetting where we stashed that shit?
Still be trying to break into random people's shed's
Will little sketchy Boyd still be the pizza man?
Can any of us find jobs that don't interfere with our addictions.
I keep, keep thinking that it's not time to think
Keep on thinking it's a time to flap
And this is how it feels

di, di, di, di:
Yeah, yeah, yeah [in [paki tone]
di, di, di, di:
smoking meth hoots forever.

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about flaps?
Can we survive the flail?
Can we make more flaps somehow?
I guess we thought the flaps would never end
And all of a sudden it's like we're sober and shit
and reality's a shadow that follows us 'round,
like the government and cia and that guy we didn't pay.

I think I'll worry about that after I have some meth hoots...
it's a time to flap.

A Beautiful Kind of Ugly

Don't say a word.
I just want to hear you breathing; To hear your lungs fill with air.
[EXHALE]
I look into your eyes, trying to get a little deeper inside.
You're wearing a mask, but I can see right through.
You laugh, but its clear in your eyes,
your slowly running out of life.
Its beautiful in that fucked up way.
You're gone with the sin & It's sick, but I still just sit and wonder,
are you going to burn out, or just fade away?
Its such a shame that someone had to go and steal your thunder,
'cause now its just a constant fight;
Everyday its like kill or be killed,
but I'll still hold you close to me,
even though you're fading away.
& I just smile 'cause I know,
You would have been happy in a different life.

By: Latsyrcatek

Hello My Baby

Well, maybe its true: us not being meant for this love I mean. All I know is that I miss you right now, and everything we were. As unfortunate as it is, I also know I'm going to be stuck missing you, being metaphorically raped by nostalgia 'til my eyes are bleeding and my heart runs empty. I can't stop craving you, especially that look you get in your eyes sometimes; the one that got me addicted to you; that leaves me at a loss for words. I remember how scared I was, 'cause I could feel my walls crumbling upon me [suffocating] me. I was left defenseless to you, and I had no clue until it was too late, and the timing was all wrong for me, but right for you. Too bad I couldn't see you for everything you weren't, then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here trying to convince myself that your the best thing I never had. OK! so, the truth is: I'm fighting a losing battle; I keep on forgetting to forget about you, because when I look into your eyes, I still see the you I fell in love with; The you that told me how beautiful I am, and breathed life into me when I was all but gone. Basically you made me happy. And I spent so long being numb, that when things went bad with us, I still couldn't help but smile, because at least I wasn't numb, and at least I had you...

Love, Your Love Girl

what?

Well, I'm going to have to say I'm at an all time low...considering I'm homeless, jobless, boyfriendless...and basically just a piece of poo...

Behind The Truth & Lies

So, for some reason.. I found this power inside me, and I broke up with CJ...

Well, we still haven't spoken but we are, he took off before I could come home and tell him.

Now this is the part I'm stuck at...

I've heard you get over someone by getting under someone else...

I've tried telling myself I don't love him..

and I've gotten completely trashed...

and guess what? I still love him.

Who knows maybe I just accepted the fact that the relationship was as toxic as this house.

...blah..

I don't feel awesome anymore

LAME-SAUCE

Reverie: Outspoken; Unspoken...just stfu!

"there are somethings in life you cannot explain... && there are somethings best left unexplained."

.....there is no way I could ever explain this...you'd never understand.. I don't even, understand.. this ones stayin burried.

20 (05182011)

20, officially.

Even if the sky is falling down?

So, I currently have some free time to write an actual blog, that of which I haven't done in....well lets just say its been way to long.

My god, where to start....so we moved into a house, we have a huge backyard for our puppie's, the house itself is that of questionable condition, but its the best we could do on our time frame/budget.

I guess I should rewind a bit to October 2010.

I was having this really weird feeling in my side, it worried me enough to walk through my ghetto-ass neighborhood at 1am to go to the hospital. I woke CJ up before I left, put the house phone by his head, and told him if I wasn't home in time to get him up for work that I would call until he wakes up. Long story short, he woke up to a trashed house, Nahla and Zim didn't take to kindly to my leaving... CJ didn't remember me telling him what was going on, and thought I was out doing drugs and such. Which at the time I hadn't done in months.

He broke-up with me, and told me that my job at cineplex didn't count, so when I got home from the hospital I cleaned up our place, and called around for jobs, one told me to come in right away. I got the job! and so I went home (still feeling like shit might I add) and waited to tell CJ that our problems were solved and its all good... but he didn't see things that way.

So basically I was a fucking mess. His mom told me to come spend the night with her to give CJ a break... which I did. However, it was the next day that put in motion the spun out situation I am currently in.

See, my best friend Serena, and CJ's best friend Donny recently broke-up at the time, and since Serena and CJ have the same last name we always refer to themn as "our Patterson's"...and I don't know why, but I figured if I went to Donny's, CJ would be a lot happier then if I went to my ex's. BUT Donny told me how he had recently come to aquire a large amount of money, and one thing led to another and we ended up getting high.

While high, Donny and I decided it would be a bad idea to tell CJ, as CJ was on his way over to also get high with Donny.

The next day CJ came home and we got back together, and everything went back to normal.

BUT! a week later CJ decided to get drunk with some people that lived in our building, and they got him in a rage about me or something... needless to say our apartment got trashed, and CJ ended up with the cops.

[INSERT BS THAT HAPPENED WITH JUSTIN AND SABLE AND TYLER HERE]

The week following was shaky. At the end of the week he took the xbox to Donny's "just to chill", and he ended up getting high... well, I ended up chilling with Ashley because I didn't want to be home by myself... and all of a sudden CJ calls me and break's up with me, it was pretty bad.

[INSERT CJ COMING HOME FOR FOOD AFTER OUR BREAK-UP HERE]

Yeah...that wasn't pretty.

That night I ended up at my ex-gf's. That night I met Ronda. That night I got high. Basically that night, I broke the fuck down.

I started seeing Ronda every day, and every day she'd smoke me up. As well as I had a small stash of my own.

UHM!

[INSERT CJ WAKING UP AT 2AM AND FINDING ME GETTING HIGH IN THE LIVING ROOM HERE]

We ended up getting back together at that point, because then he too got high. and well, basically we haven't stopped getting high. Its ridiculous.

and I've lost like 3 jobs in 2 months... :( blah.

I just do my best to stay positive, 'cause like, this is all happening for a reason...right?

anyways, until next time

<3 Love PG

05152011

WOW....talk about a capital O!

The 10th Day of the 5th Month and the 2011th Year

"when your balls, get calls...
B I N G O!"

lol well, haven't slept in days, totally in lala-land puddle jumper mode. Don't know
when I'll reset back to normality, however it better be soon because I'm supposed to be
landing a job in T-5.5 hours.

Love <3

Reverie: Time of OUR Lives?

K.

Brutal honesty time....


I have come to the point in my relationship where I am in the circle of abuse.

Dr.Drew said it the best the other day on Teen Mom 2: Reunion.

It goes round and round... you abuse each other and then make up and say "its because I
love you so much" ....

The point im at is not necessarily to abandon my circle, but to make it rather a circle of
likeness.

but I'm unsure of that happening so my other options are open... not sure what they are yet
though...

Write more later...

unlovingly yours, Latsyrcatek

Reverie: Spun-Out?Spin-Out?

ATTENTION:

Haha, are you looking?

Have you ever seen the movie Spun? well if you have, that has been my life for the past almost 2 weeks. If you haven't, let me explain in a little bit of detail of what Spun entails.

Meth, Gang members, Cops, Wigged-out Bitches, Not Sleeping, Doing the Nod, basically, a lot of
illegal activity.

I cant even tell you the amount of people I had in and out of my house, but one girl flushed a bag
of drugs down my toilet and told my boyfriend it was going to someone in Australia....I know right.

We just got everybody out yesterday, ohhh and some luck did find its way to me, because I got
the job, but I need another one STAT.

but CJ wants me to go get him some ice cream. I just ordered us like $50 worth of Chinese from
Smiley's, which apparently isn't complete until I get the icecream. silly boy.

k write more later.

Reverie: Fucka-mucka-lucka-ding-dong

YOOOOO!

wassup? so I've been on one of my things for fucking a really long fucking time, I don't even know man. All I can say is its full of crying, fighting, laughing, loving, sex and other stuff like that. Uh, I had this new awesome job in December, but fuckers let me go, for NO reason, and now I am just
straight fucked. Like who does that? FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I can say is that since shit went down in like November I can't stop this mutha-fuckin shit

No idea why its so hard, but fuck, I don't even like it... oh yeah I fucking love it *insert finger in eye*

OH!!!!!!!!!! and now we have like well connected people crashing at our place right now, so we really can't stop. Man, what am I going to do.

Time for some contradiction though, no really, are you ready blog?????????

Remember my old blogs, where I devoted my love etc. to that girl, and that even 10 years from then I would never regret it...etc. Well its not even 2 years, and I'm not going to lie... what a fucking waste of my life. I mean I accept it happened for a reason (not sure what yet though, I'll get back to you on that one)....but really????? WHY MUTHA-FUCKIN me????

shoulda-coulda-woulda... *sighs*

the worst part is I'm too paranoid to do my happy drugs anymore, I mean, I really miss K and E... ugh...

but yeah, I have a job interview at Rexall at 5pm, lets hope some sort of luck smacks me upside the head today, I really fucking need it and shit.

Oh and in December this pregnant head Ronda chilled here, it was kinda fucking ridiculous, and its like I have her twin here now or something... but fuck will tell you more on a later date.. or I'll try.