Reverie: 26217

Sunday, God's day.

Today Danielle and I went to my Grandma's for dinner. It was wonderful, here's the low down:

Spare Ribs & Sauerkraut

Mashed potatoes & Gravy

Roast Beef

Salsa Ranch Salad

and last but not least, homemade apple crisp & vanilla ice cream.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Just sayin.

Reverie: Today

My Grad was wonderful, I am now officially in Block 2.

The best part about my grad is that my dad was there. It meant so much to me. and he bawled his eyes out. Like he is so proud of me.

I had so much support and love from my family at my Grad it was nice.

Alex and Danielle have weekend passes but they don't seem to be leaving so that will be cool if they spend the weekend home with me.

This is my 1st time getting redemption since October.

Reverie: Day before tomorrow

So Grad is tomorrow, I can hardly wait. This week has gone by so quick....

Will write a good one tomorrow.

Reverie:

Well these are my last couple days in Block 1, can't say I'm not eager to get into deeper connection with God & myself. 

This week is going to be a short week, and time seems to be going so fast. 

but I am really tired and that's all I have to say right now.

Reverie: Happiness all around

Well, even though its Monday. it feels like Sunday.

My weekend was wonderful, spent it with family and did some self care. Nails & Toes and my eyebrows waxed. I also bought myself a nice outfit to wear to my grad. Which is in 4 days, I can't wait.

My dad is coming.to my grad and I am so excited, I went to see him today and he looked so good and healthy, I am so proud of him.

So many things in my life are going well, and I'm just so grateful to have this safe place in which to heal myself.

I wonder why things happen how they do, I miss Devin every day, I guess I am mourning the friendship or security of our over the phone relationship.

I wonder what made him decide to just walk away from me,

and I wish I could have it in my heart to just do to him what he does to me,
but I could never imagine hurting a person or damaging them the way he does to me.

Then one day he'll try and walk back into my life, like nothing happened, and I always am just so happy to have him back that I allow him to think its ok to do that to me.

This time is different though, and that's why I am particularly more sad about it. This time I have boundaries and it is not ok, this time I will not let him back, this time I'm really letting him go, and it hurts so much because I know one day he'll contact me and I'm going to have to enforce that boundary. I cannot allow him  to intentionally put me in a position where my whole life is on hold waiting for him. I haven't been able to love myself or let anyone else get close to me because he might decide to make an appearance in my life again, and I lived for that.

I got into a relationship and was emotionally unavailable to that person because Devin said he loved me so I couldn't allow myself to be loved by someone else.

Cutting ties with Devin Bouchard is terribly depressing for me and not the way I ever saw this going, but enough is enough. I'm done competing for a spot in his chaotic, life that's filled with lies and broken  promises,

I Love him dearly, but that part of my life is officially finished,

No more Johnny and Ashley.

Just me, myself & I..... and God.

Amen

Reverie: Untitled

Well my Grandma is super happy I am here spending time with her. Last night my Uncle Randy came in from Saskatchewan with his wife and my cousin Colton. I honestly hadn't seen them for about 8 years or so. Colton is only 14 and he's like 6"5 its insane. I think there's something in the water out in Saskatchewan that caused his enormous height.

We went to Capital Steak and Pizza, I had bake ravioli with meat sauce, it was phenomenal. \

Reverie: Real Talk

Honestly I miss Devin. I miss our calls at 5 & 9, I miss hearing his voice. Yeah I feel like there's a huge void in my life.

I also feel like I can't miss him, I can't cry, I have to pretend like I dont wake up wishing he'd never done this to me again... but I do, and he did & I just have to keep on living like it doesn't bother me because if I don't I'll get swept away by my emotions.

I mean on the outside its ok, I'm meeting my requirements, and I'm not isolating in my room. 
Which is good, but also scary.

I'm trying to work through my steps and deal with this is a safe way that doesn't come back to haunt me later. One day at a time I'm ok without him. One day at a time I'm ok with just me.

I'm getting really excited for my Grad to Block 2. Finally I'll get to be in class with my best friend Alex again.

I'm going to spend the weekend with my Grandma, she's pretty excited. She's been missing me the past month and a half because first she was sick, then I was sick, and then Devin left me so I was kind of isolating.

That is all for today.

Reverie: Meanings of things

rev·er·ie

ˈrev(ə)rē/

noun

noun: reverie; plural noun: reveries

1. a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts; a daydream.

   "a knock on the door broke her reverie"

   synonyms:

   daydream, daydreaming, trance, musing; More inattention, inattentiveness, woolgathering, preoccupation, absorption, abstraction, lack of concentration "she was startled out of her reverie by a loud crash"

   • Music

     an instrumental piece suggesting a dreamy or musing state.
   • archaic

     a fanciful or impractical idea or theory.

 So after all these years, I have finally posted the meaning of my ever famous title to most of my blogs Reverie.

Hi my name is Amanda, and I'm still an addict.
Devin got out, I finally seen him, but haven't heard from him since. Its probably for the best. I'm thinking that he needs to be with his wife and figure out what the heck he wants, but I'm not waiting for him.

I'm in the process of working on my Step 4 of CA steps. I was kind of in a state of withdrawl following Devin's sudden disapearence from my life.

on the positive side of things I am graduating to block 2 of my program in like 10 days and I'm super excited. I'm super excited to be moving along in my program.