Reverie: niveD

It feels just like yesterday, we were literally torn from each other's arms. There was nothing either of us could do or say, it was out of our hands. Now in just 12 short days you'll be free. I've been waiting for this day for so long it just doesn't seem real. Its like my mind just wont let me accept that this will all finally be over. Words can't explain the pain I've had in my heart just getting by. Some how I have made it to now, the moment when our hearts collide.

You are my best friend, and the love of my life. I can't wait to see you, and I'm excited to find out what life has in store for us.

Reverie: 11717

Well it's officially been over 6 months since I walked away from Barry, cuffs and all. 6 months since I gave my trust to God. I was scared but somehow I knew I'd be okay. And I am. I am doing the best I've done in years.

The best part is the Love of my life will be in my arms in 14 days. Actually almost 13 days. Every little thing is just falling into place.

Even going tanning every couple days with Alex is wonderful ...Self care is where it's at.

Reverie: Colton's 10th Birthday

This day, at 9:27pm, 10 years ago, the most significant event occured in my life,
your birth.

As long as I could remember I always wanted a little brother or sister, and you fullfilled my
life long dream. I remember falling in love with you, I remember you falling in love with
me. I remember dressing you up in all your outfits and doing photoshoots, and you were
happy to let me.

I'm not sure what to say, its not fair that you had your life taken so soon. You never
got to learn how to ride a bike, you never got to get excited for your birthday, or Christmas.
You never got to have your first day of school, you just missed out on so much,
more importantly, the world missed out on having such an amazing little boy in it.

You werenn't even two years old and you had the ability to change my entire life,

You are one of the questions I have that I'll never have an answer to,
why did you have to live, and love me, and why did you have to die before you ever got to live?

Colton, you are such a blessing, and I pray one day I get to hold you again,

I wonder if you've stayed only a baby or if your a child...

Either which way, no matter how old either of us get, you will always be my baby brother,
the little boy who changed my entire life in less then 2 years.

Happy Birthday Colton,

Love your Big Sister <3

Reverie: What Brings me here

No options, last resort, my lawyer, God, and my desire to make it.
Just a few answers to what brought me to Wellspring.

I've been really depressed lately. Not clinquely, just momentarily, circumstancially based.
Temporary, but intensely strong and very difficult to rationalize my feelings as temporary 
at the time when I feel so hopeless, worthless and unable to control the outcome of certain things.

So in an attempt to forsee things before they happen, I bought a deck of tarrot cards. 
I don't really know how to use them yet, but I played with them once, they gave me answers
I wanted to hear, I think.

Ok so Devin gets out in 22 days, this is very exciting and scary for me. So much of my energy goes
into phone calls with him, I don't know how things will turn out or if they will work out.

Its kind of like the past two years I've been rehearsing and this is the real thing. What if I forget
my lines.....what if I get a bad case of stage fright and there's no audience for me to invision
naked to cure my phobia.

What if he's not strong enough to walk this path with me? Then he'll have to walk alone because
I can't mess this up for anyone or anything. If I leave here 3 things I can guarentee to happen,
jails, institutions & death. 

Sure they might not come right away, sure I might have fun fior a while, it might be great,
but the fun will end eventually when I have no place to sleep, no place to call home & I will
be living in fear because I will have warrants.

I'm hoping I am able to let these momentary feeelings pass and not let them consume me,
tomorrow is a different day it true, but its what you choose to make of it that counts.

I just have to keep telling myself, that I'm okay until I believe it.