Reverie: What Brings me here

No options, last resort, my lawyer, God, and my desire to make it.
Just a few answers to what brought me to Wellspring.

I've been really depressed lately. Not clinquely, just momentarily, circumstancially based.
Temporary, but intensely strong and very difficult to rationalize my feelings as temporary 
at the time when I feel so hopeless, worthless and unable to control the outcome of certain things.

So in an attempt to forsee things before they happen, I bought a deck of tarrot cards. 
I don't really know how to use them yet, but I played with them once, they gave me answers
I wanted to hear, I think.

Ok so Devin gets out in 22 days, this is very exciting and scary for me. So much of my energy goes
into phone calls with him, I don't know how things will turn out or if they will work out.

Its kind of like the past two years I've been rehearsing and this is the real thing. What if I forget
my lines.....what if I get a bad case of stage fright and there's no audience for me to invision
naked to cure my phobia.

What if he's not strong enough to walk this path with me? Then he'll have to walk alone because
I can't mess this up for anyone or anything. If I leave here 3 things I can guarentee to happen,
jails, institutions & death. 

Sure they might not come right away, sure I might have fun fior a while, it might be great,
but the fun will end eventually when I have no place to sleep, no place to call home & I will
be living in fear because I will have warrants.

I'm hoping I am able to let these momentary feeelings pass and not let them consume me,
tomorrow is a different day it true, but its what you choose to make of it that counts.

I just have to keep telling myself, that I'm okay until I believe it.