Reverie -To: COCO Love: PG

I know that time wont ease my pain, I know that all too well.
and I'd trade my life for yours in an instant, if in fact I could.
If I could, I'd give you my last breath, just to hear your laugh;
I'm not wishing for a miracle, I'm hoping for a chance.
A chance to see your smiling face, your eyes of deep sea blue,
a chance to feel your love again, how you loved me like you did.
To know I am your everything, you made me feel ten feet tall;
and when you went away, dear boy, I fell and lost it all.
Everything I had ever wanted, I found it all in you; In you I had
a best friend, a beautiful baby brother too; My little baby Superman,
you taught me so many things; You taught me how to climb
back up, every time I fall; and you showed me true pure love.
So thank you baby brother, you truly were the best; Amidst all
the craziness, you always found happiness; & thank you my sweet
baby for showing me your love; for letting me know, pure love exists.
I never had before, and I never will again; you were something
special, you knocked me off my feet. You made me the happiest
girl, to have a baby brother like you; but also the saddest to have
known, and then lost you. See when you left, dear baby brother,
you took a part of me; I'll never smile quite the same again, or love,
or laugh, or cry; the better part of me died with you, so please
hold on to it tight, never let it go. Colton, you were the greatest
baby brother, the best there ever was, or will be, and it fills my
heart with sorrow to know I'm spending forever without you; Without
my best friend, my love, and my life. Coco, I'll never forget you,
my curly little man, and just know although there's distance now,
We will never be apart.

Love, Your Sister <3

Reverie -Never Before & Never Again

Before all I worried about, was if she was 'up to something'

funny thing is, now I couldn't care less, no jokes.

I watched this show the other day, and these people had to make a list of words they
feel, so, here's mine.

Broken, Dead, Cold, Alone, Empty, Nauseous, Hurt, Sadness, Sorrow, Anger, Hatred,
Unhappy, Sick, Brokenhearted, Disgusted, Mean, Sad, Down, Depressed, Numb.

Yeah....that about sums it up.

and people keep asking if I'm ok, I say yes, for the most part, but the truth is, I'm
never going to be 'OK' again; I'm just not, and, I've gotten used to it.

With Colton, we had this thing, don't know what it was, but it made me feel so
amazing, and he felt it too... we had a stronger bond, stronger then just brother
and sister, even stronger then parent and child.... I've never had it before, and
never again.

....you know, I can't blog about this so much right now... so, later for sure.

Reverie -Sometimes, goodbyes really are Forever

So, its now the 11th day since my beautiful baby brother became my fondest memory; Since I lost my better half, my best friend, my whole heart. I find it hard to smile about things that used to put me on Cloud Nine, or do things that I did before; before I lost my heart and soul, before I lost my everything.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to be ok, because the truth is I don't think I'm ever going to be ok again, not after this. I find myself full of rage, keeping to myself, cringing at even the thought of someone touching me.

Perhaps this did happen for a reason, but I don't care.

Perhaps it is selfish for me to push everyone else away. I know its not fair, but, I do know, that I have found a whole new interpretation of "Living Dead'". Sure I have a pulse, my lungs are filled with air, but inside, I am dead, empty.

Right now, however, my father is here, and my brothers mother, and our uncle, so its not the best of times to be blogging.

Later <3

Reverie -Tragic Ending

My beautiful, sweet , baby brother passed away today.

Fuck your condolences, I want him back.

Reverie -2009

First of all, Happy New Years!

Christmas Eve day was much...worse then expected. Instead of only having to drive 3 hours to a neighboring city, my father and I had to drive 5 hours away to where she
was, and we weren't just picking up my brother, we were also picking up his mother
and brother. Can you tell how thrilled I was, because let me tell you, 5 hours of silence
with my father in his van was manageable, it was the 5+ hours on the way home with
two children under the age of 2 which made it almost unbearable.

Christmas Day was much better though, so I was pleased. My mother got me an XBOX360, that was totally amazing of her, and my grandma got me Sleeping Beauty. The little things were, Camp Rock socks, which are totally disgusting for two reasons,

1. I cannot stand that movie
2. I cannot stand the people in that movie
3. I cannot stand the Jonas brothers
4. One of them happens to be on my sock...

However, they are really comfy, so as long as they are not showing, I should be covered. Besides, its the thought that counts, I can tell my grandma is already very upset at how fast I've aged, and how I'm turning of age in a few short months. She misses me, and I miss her too, more then I think she knows, but I'm not exactly doing anything about it.

In any event, I asked her to get me The Sims 3 in February in exchange for one less present now, so I am waiting very impatiently for 'my present' to be released.

We're still waiting for Telus to come hook up our TV and Internet, only 5 more days now, I can hardly wait; Although, the girl managed to use a wire and we have fuzzy peasant vision...well at least we can watch the news, I enjoy the news, the news is good.

New Years Eve!

Yeah, this would probably be where I wrote how I had this wicked crazy night, and I got really hammered, blahblahblah, but then I would be lying, and there is no lying here. In actuality, I was home, waiting for the girl to come home, having a nap here and there, and then reading New Moon from the Twilight series in case you didn't know. A friend of mine emailed them to me, they are called 'EBOOKS', and they're pretty fantastic. I didn't mind though, I'm not one for getting hammered, I could find a much more appealing way to enjoy my time, and it certainly does not include alcohol, I passed that stage a long time ago, I drank from the time I was 11, until I was 16, I messed up my liver, that didn't stop me, but then I met my true love, end of story.

Resolutions of 2009

1. Get Over It!
2. Quit looking for something to be wrong
3. Mind my business, more.
4. Get a job ASAP!!!!