O M G ! A Ghost....oh! wait, that's just me *grin*

Since I am the boss here, I am allowed to take random hiatus's, right? Hm, either which way, I'm white, so I can do whatever I want......

Oh man, the adventures I've been on since March 2012.... they are so crazy, I can't even post such details on the web;

1. because I am not suicidal

2. I do NOT enjoy jail

3. Well, because I'm white

On the bright side, I can tell you whatever the fuck I want about myself, and you just know, that you are guaranteed to be entertained by me at some point or another, so just prepare for my awesome-ness to make an appearance whenever it decides lmfao!

May 17, 2013-July 20, 2013 - [ERC&FSCC]
Ah, my lovely stay at The NEW Edmonton Remand Center & The Fort Saskatchewan Correctional Center!!!!

Man, I unwillingly had to call those places "home" for 65 days, and I'm on 18 months probation. I have a stupid fucking curfew from 10pm-6am, as well as a whole shit load of other ridiculous rules I must obey or else I go right back to daycare... I mean jail.

OH! and Don't EVER fall for the whole "innocent until proven guilty" bullshit we hear about our whole lives..... because its the opposite, its so twisted its almost blacklisted hahaha.

*inside joke*

I was stuck in jail, they would not let me speak to bail, or sentence me, all because of in reality your guilty until proven innocent.

FUCK THE SYSTEM!

Real talk, they have me stuck in there on bogus charges of mischief & uttering threats, with no prior criminal record, and a repeat drug traffic offender gets out on $500 no cash bail.... WHAT THE FUCK, OVER?

yeah, all bad.

and I'm going to stop here, I gotta ease back into this,

AK

Five Dollar Bills

There once was this great man, that showed me how when looking at it the right way, a Canadian $5 bill has more to it then meets the eye.... that man passed away on March 29, 2012.... and I will never forget my amazement the first time he showed me that trick... it was a day like any other, I was grippin' flapp.... it was just me, him & Chuck...and at that moment it seemed so insignificant, but now its so much more, 'cause its memories like those that help him live on! Rest Easy, Tong!

You High, Baby?

There's nothing you could ever do,

nothing you could ever say,

that could ever make me walk away,

there's nothing in this world I wouldn't 

try and do for you. All these things spin

around in my head, and remind me every day,

that despite everything I try to tell myself,

I'm inLove with you. 

Even though I care about the guy I'm with,

nothing compares to the feelings I get at the thought

of you. I know how you are,

I'd never expect to be your only,

but its how you make me feel

when its just you & me.

It the closest thing to pure ecstasy 

Your always on my mind,

even when I don't see you for weeks or longer.

I never thought I'd feel like this about you.

O.o

[il ya deux jours, j'ai triché sur mon petit ami avec KB]

but it happened 'cause, he always says this to
me & well these lyric's by Dizzy explain it perfectly:

"I do nothin' for ya, all I do's annoy ya, do it all on purpose too,
I just love hurtin' you, never even really try, said I care,
but that's a lie. If you can believe all this,
then I don't really need this shit!"

and Nahla had 11 puppies; 5 are left!

Reverie; Nail in the Coffin

Here I am again, in this same redundant circle I always find myself in; This time there's a difference though, 'cause this time I'm a little more broken though & I'm trying so hard to keep my fight up, but this time I feel too weak to pull through it.

Everyday its the exact same story, the exact same purpose, the exact same fights & excuses; The exact same reason I fall further behind & further away from who & what I used to be.

Everyday I grow a little closer to my new life & a little further from my old one,

but hey, I heard change is good, right?

Honestly, I love my new little life I have acquired, I'm generally always happy, I don't have to fight with anyone, or answer to anyone....

but then the times I am alone, I miss the things I loved the most... my dog & my boyfriend.

So, the love I carry for them, brought me back.

&& it breaks me down; because even though I will ALWAYS love my boyfriend, I'm not the same person that I was when I loved him. I'm different; I'm ro6ugher & I learned how to "not care".

Sometimes I look at him, and I can taste the life we had, and I want to do good and try to fix it; but in the next breath, I'm on my way out the door back to my new life, leaving him there waiting..... until I wanna inhale a bit of what I used to know... and I do that everyday.

Why? because I am emotionally incapable of actually dealing with these feelings, this hurt & the only thing I am mentally capable of dealing with, is getting high.

Its just one thing, its simple; that's all I can handle, anything that's too "big" or "too much" will push me over the edge and its just not a very pretty scene.

Well, really, its hard to have a relationship with someone, when you have someone else on your mind & on top of that, flapp attacks.

Anyways, I'll write more later, my Gack Show is about to begin.

Face Punched!

Yo mang.

So like. going to write a better one later. BUT. here's a quickie for now.

I am basically frozen with the question of why cant I be without you. How was I so wrong?

and why is everyone so deadset on blaming their shit on me.

Real great, 'cause you know I'll take the blame, if it makes em feel better....

Read at Your Own Discretion

Ok so, before you continue reading, I need to let you know, that, the subject I'm going to write about, can be very scary or overwhelming for some people, so, here's your chance to stop reading.........

I'm sure you've all heard of people living double lives. I am one of those people. I'm Amanda and, generally by looking at me, you wouldn't be able to tell that I'm not just Amanda. I'm Amanda, the girl that does meth.

So, your probably sitting there right now thinking to yourself (or saying out loud) "METH?"

Yes. Meth. This is basically it in a summary, in case you don't know.

"Methamphetamine (USAN) (pronounced /ˌmɛθæmˈfɛtəmiːn/ listen) (also known as methamfetamine (INN), N-methylamphetamine, methylamphetamine, and desoxyephedrine) is a psychostimulant of the phenethylamine and amphetamine class of psychoactive drugs. When used illicitly, methamphetamine is commonly referred to as "crystal meth", "meth", "ice", or "glass".

Methamphetamine increases alertness, concentration, energy, and in high doses, may induce euphoria, enhance self-esteem and increase libido. Methamphetamine has high potential for abuse and addiction, activating the psychological reward system by triggering a cascading release of dopamine in the brain. Methamphetamine is FDA approved for the treatment of ADHD and exogenous obesity. It is dispensed in the USA under the trademark name Desoxyn.

As a result of methamphetamine-induced neurotoxicity to dopaminergic neurons, chronic abuse may also lead to post acute withdrawals which persist beyond the withdrawal period for months, and even up to a year. Research has found that 20% of methamphetamine addicts experience a psychosis resembling schizophrenia which persists for longer than six months post-methamphetamine use; this amphetamine psychosis can be resistant to traditional treatment. In addition to psychological harm, physical harm, primarily consisting of cardiovascular damage, may occur with chronic use or acute overdose."

Now, I know, the next question "Why Amanda?"

and since you know, I'm all me and shit, I'm not going to sit here and bullshit ya, so here's "why",

Because I felt like it.

I have been using for 5 years now, and it does not effect my life, I do.

I am currently at an all time low, and ironically, I lost it all while I was clean.

I don't do anything illegal to obtain my dope, if I have it, I have it, if not.. meh.

Except lately, I want it, always. I like life better that way, 'cause there's not much I like about life right now. .....

anyways....

I'm writing this to get it out there, 'cause I really am still Amanda, its not the drugs that have ruined me, its been people, and myself for letting people hurt me.. and Colton... I have no words for that... and no it hasn't gotten better, it still hurts like fuck. I just learned to live with it... I carry that with me every day. Its my ball & chain.

but, thats another story.

I was 15 years old, and as usual I'm unique... because I never smoked weed, or cigarettes, the first thing I ever did, was crystal meth.

So, basically end of story.

The thing that is really pissing me off though, that inspired me to write this blog...

My mom just found out. K. and she's trying to act all sketchy around me now, like I'm going to steal her stuff or whatever.

Like, I've been doing it for 5 years. That's right, I've been living in the same world you have been, going through the motions... doing drugs. All the while, keeping myself.

Drugs don't ruin people; People do it all themselves. Its all in your mind.

Now, if your going to start treating me like shit or think I'm less then you because I smoke meth, you can go kick rocks, 'cause what do you think is in cigarettes? or your prescription drugs. Even weed, and alcohol... its all the same, its all hard on your body. Your no better then me, it doesn't define me. In the end, I'm still Amanda, and your still whoever you are and we, ultimately make ourselves.

I mean, I've done quite a bit of different drugs.. and quite honestly,

its a lot more milder of a drug,

Ecstasy, Ketamine,Crack, Inhalants, Acid...

all bad action.

Just sayin.