Reverie: said the fly to the flea

I wonder if what we had was ever real. How could you just delete me out of your life. Better yet, could you kindly please tell me the trick because I am missing you and it's killing me. Slowly. I'll be okay and then I'll be alone and I'll remember something you said. At first it makes me sad then I start thinking of how evil you must be to make me believe we are so in love just to have you walk away like I am nothing. You know I like to pretend like you didn't do this on purpose, that Bella was so happy to see you that you couldn't leave her. And I would understand. But the fact that you couldn't even have the decency to call and say you changed your mind.

I am left with so many questions, so much emptiness...And every day the need for me to get answers to these questions becomes more intense.

Please God let him grow some parts and contact me.

Reverie: 1:corinthians13

Devin, 

Today I heard you were being good.

I was shocked that it actually made me happy rather then depressed.

Yep. 

As long as your happy I am okay with being without you,

I Love You, Goodbye.

Reverie: 26217

Sunday, God's day.

Today Danielle and I went to my Grandma's for dinner. It was wonderful, here's the low down:

Spare Ribs & Sauerkraut

Mashed potatoes & Gravy

Roast Beef

Salsa Ranch Salad

and last but not least, homemade apple crisp & vanilla ice cream.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Just sayin.

Reverie: Today

My Grad was wonderful, I am now officially in Block 2.

The best part about my grad is that my dad was there. It meant so much to me. and he bawled his eyes out. Like he is so proud of me.

I had so much support and love from my family at my Grad it was nice.

Alex and Danielle have weekend passes but they don't seem to be leaving so that will be cool if they spend the weekend home with me.

This is my 1st time getting redemption since October.

Reverie: Day before tomorrow

So Grad is tomorrow, I can hardly wait. This week has gone by so quick....

Will write a good one tomorrow.

Reverie:

Well these are my last couple days in Block 1, can't say I'm not eager to get into deeper connection with God & myself. 

This week is going to be a short week, and time seems to be going so fast. 

but I am really tired and that's all I have to say right now.

Reverie: Happiness all around

Well, even though its Monday. it feels like Sunday.

My weekend was wonderful, spent it with family and did some self care. Nails & Toes and my eyebrows waxed. I also bought myself a nice outfit to wear to my grad. Which is in 4 days, I can't wait.

My dad is coming.to my grad and I am so excited, I went to see him today and he looked so good and healthy, I am so proud of him.

So many things in my life are going well, and I'm just so grateful to have this safe place in which to heal myself.

I wonder why things happen how they do, I miss Devin every day, I guess I am mourning the friendship or security of our over the phone relationship.

I wonder what made him decide to just walk away from me,

and I wish I could have it in my heart to just do to him what he does to me,
but I could never imagine hurting a person or damaging them the way he does to me.

Then one day he'll try and walk back into my life, like nothing happened, and I always am just so happy to have him back that I allow him to think its ok to do that to me.

This time is different though, and that's why I am particularly more sad about it. This time I have boundaries and it is not ok, this time I will not let him back, this time I'm really letting him go, and it hurts so much because I know one day he'll contact me and I'm going to have to enforce that boundary. I cannot allow him  to intentionally put me in a position where my whole life is on hold waiting for him. I haven't been able to love myself or let anyone else get close to me because he might decide to make an appearance in my life again, and I lived for that.

I got into a relationship and was emotionally unavailable to that person because Devin said he loved me so I couldn't allow myself to be loved by someone else.

Cutting ties with Devin Bouchard is terribly depressing for me and not the way I ever saw this going, but enough is enough. I'm done competing for a spot in his chaotic, life that's filled with lies and broken  promises,

I Love him dearly, but that part of my life is officially finished,

No more Johnny and Ashley.

Just me, myself & I..... and God.

Amen