Reverie -I don't know

Through-out my life I've dealt with many things, abandonment issue's, behavioral issue's, alcohol addiction, death, and I still live with some things I haven't dealt with such as my fear of being alone, my wanting to rarely leave the house, and the worst one yet, by far is Colton. For some reason or another, he wasnt meant to be here. He was too amazing to just have his life cut short like that. I know all this talk comes down to me just being selfish. I want him here. I want to hold him. I want my baby brother. I want I want I want. I wanted to go party instead of be with him. I wanted to run after other people instead of stay with him. I wanted to play on the computer when he was over. and now he's gone and I can do all those things.... ugh. and whats worse is that since he's died, its been a domino effect with everything... Hunter is in social services > my dad is broke > Leah is back to her old ways > the girl and I have to come up with 1049 dollars by Friday or we face a 24hr eviction..... and we still owe $1500 to get Colton's ashes out.