Reverie: Reversed #habits #choices

I found out tonight how much progress I have actually made.

The old me would have left tonight. I almost did, but I remember how I would take off and want to die because you were never calling back, and I'd do all sorts of self destructive things & then you'd call...and then guilt would kick in...and I should have known you were just mad but I didn't.

Well here's to putting old habits to rest because tonight I'm making an effort to just know that your just mad and you'll call back.

Let go and let God #letitgo #God

I've made it through another day without using and I'm not sure if I'm truly happy about it but it is what it is and what it needs to be. So he gets out in under a month and a half and I'm scared... I don't know how things will work out or not. I love him so much but something always comes in the way of everything we try. I know it's made us stronger but it's also made us strangers. I'm so close to having my dreams come true Maybe I should just stop trying to control fate....maybe I should just worry about breathing and let God handle the rest.

Post amongst the chaos #drugfree

Or lack there of

...for the 1st time I'm changing my life and fighting my demons without the help of my old friend, meth.

The thing is I miss it often, just about as much as I miss other unhealthy relationship I've had. For some reason, no matter how negative meth or those relationships were, they give meaning to the word nostalgia.

And even though I'm no longer physically an addict, I still suffer from the thinking patterns of an addict.

My mind constantly sees all sorts of crime of opportunity scenarios.

The only thing now is I don't act on them. I just let the thought pass, like a cloud in the sky.

I know it's been ages since I actually took the time to write in my blog, I probably should get into the habit of starting again because I'm a really good writer and maybe I can help someone one day. Maybe I could be that guy who writes something that changes the course of someone's life.

Reverie: the cherry on top

I miss tickling your arms so fucking bad..... Fuck I would kill not to be living this nightmare...

This isn't real (fuck it is)

I remember a long time ago, when you told me you wanted to be my only, all you wanted was to hold me.

It's fucking impossible to wrap my head around how I'm now sitting here, lonely, wishing you'd hold me, wondering if you ever meant all the things you told me. 

I thought you'd never hurt me, wait, I suppose you didn't hurt me....

I never seen it coming, that you would completely fucking destroy ever fiber of my being, my universe, gone, just like that..... 

Never seen it coming, nope.

Glad to have played the subject of a sick joke, I hope you choke, 

AK 

Ivgvuvish - part of my broken head

Every time you looked in my eyes, was all just one big fucking lie. Everything you swore you'd never do, you went and did & double too. 

You said you'd never leave my side, but that was just another lie, maybe I'm just high, but I'm hypnotized by those lies.

Our Love you said would never die, has left me with no more tears to cry, or will to try.

I'm alone, wishing you'd phone, I never imagined silence could be so fucking loud.

I wanna gauge my eyes out, or beat the memory of you the fuck out of my head... Anything is better then this, even being dead.

Thanks Dev

Reverie: Pro Choice

Was this what you wanted? I'm dying to know, you swore this isn't the way it would go. 

Did you always know you would leave me alone? 

Right now I'm wishing that I never hung up on you the last time you phoned.

But would it have made a difference?

Only you would know.

All the time we shared together, were they real, or were you just playing the role? 

You broke every promise you said, and yet I sit and wait, hoping you'll change your mind, praying it's not too late....

You destroyed my faith, and you broke the Love I Loved the most, without even an explanation....

Do you know how you have broken my head? 

I don't even know if you care, or ever cared.... Why would you do this, please tell me....

Anyways, I love you always, even if you don't Love me