Reverie: FUCK! Part 1

I cannot give an exact reason for why I became the way I am. I suppose its a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of let downs. My main downfall, stubbornness. I wearily remember a childhood full of happiness, with hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I am one of many gifts, and many talents; one of my gifts, reading people. Now, I don't mean 'reading people' as in 'reading minds', I mean it as in I see through people's charades, I can tell the good people, from the bad; I can tell who is worth the effort, and who is not, and I can tell the difference from people with good intentions, and people with... well not so good intentions. Another thing about me, I strongly dislike change. I do not like it, I do not do well with it, and I especially dislike it when the change in question, is forced and unexpected.

I was about seven years old when I came face to face with change for the first time. Not so much the first time, as the first change which would really effect me, that I would really notice. I noticed drastic change in my behavior. I went from the girl that would never stay inside, to the girl that never left her room. That was just one of many changes. The change that had gone on, was a very important person in my life, was no longer there. The person had left unexpectedly, in which case, it was forced upon me. Further implications from the change happened periodically there after. I was in gymnastics, the best in my class. One day, while performing a move I'd done a thousand times before, I stopped. I still don't know why I stopped, but I just.. didn't care. I ended up with a double compound fracture on my left arm; I'm sure by now you can guess, my down slide didn't stop there. My A's and B's shrunk to C's and D's; and just when you didn't think it could get worse, it did.

My mother met a man. Her encounter with this man, would move me from the house I lived in since I was a toddle, barely able to walk, to his house on the other side of the city. I was eight years old, its not like I could take the bus to go visit my friends; I was devastated. Yet again, I had change thrust upon me, no warning. I know change is a part of life, but its something I don't believe I will ever get used to. In any event, I found myself with a whole new set of behaviors; they included: being exceptionally mean, leaving the house only to go to school, but even then, I usually faked a cold so I could stay home.

No sooner had I become a custom to my new life as a hermit, we moved. Although this wasn't exactly a surprise change for me, because I saw it coming. I knew he was bad news, and although I tried to warn her, my mother disregarded my warnings, putting them off as me acting out, and jealousy over the fact that I was no longer the center of attention. We moved into an apartment, it wasn't a bad apartment, but I had never lived in one before, so it was weird for me. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy, and I felt like myself. I kind of picked up where I left off, outside all the time, and raising my school grades back to A's and B's. I made a lot of new friends, and reunited with my old ones, and life was great.

My ninth birthday party was amazing. It was talked about for months at school, and I became popular. Everybody wanted to be my best friend, but I only had one. Before my birthday party, we hardly spoke; Even though we had gone to the same school since we were four. Also, before my birthday party, she had been the most popular girl at school, and although we both had equal spots in the spotlight, she wanted more, and she wanted me to herself. She began spreading rumors, you know the nasty ones girls spread. Soon I found myself without friends at school, but a best friend outside of school. Thats how it worked with her. She hated me at school, infront of people, but outside of school, in the privacy of our homes, I was her best friend, her confidant.

At this point in my life, I found a pattern with myself. If things were good, I was great. If even one thing was out of place, I spun out of control. I was a complete, utter disaster. When the seventh grade rolled around, I was prepared, I was early to school, it was my fresh start. I began dating a boy that I had known for almost all my life, and things were perfect. My marks were up, my attendance was perfect. He broke up with me for the first time shortly after new years. We had been together for five months. This is where a new pattern began in my life. I didn't show up to school the next day, and I mopped around until he wanted me again. This went on for the rest of the year. In that time, I began being meaner, shoplifting, drinking, and skipping school. As time went on we were apart more then we were together, and it drove me crazy. I fucked up my schooling, I got put into a behavior class, and I thought it would be my demise, but it was exactly what I needed.

It was my own self pity that kept me from returning to that school. I ended up going to an inner city school. Had I stayed at the other school, I would have stayed on my up down roller-coaster with him; instead, I made amazing friends, and I got a new boyfriend. However, the drinking continued, I was the poster girl for bitch, but that was minor compared to the year before. Anyways, after that amazing year, things changed. My best friend and I grew apart, and that was an unexpected change, although I gradually saw our friendship depleting to nothing, I didn't stop it, and I dug myself further into a hole.

The same situation went on for almost two years, until June 2006 when I received the most amazing news, I was going to become a sister. I anxiously awaited February 1st, the day my baby brother was due. By new years, I was so anxious, I could hardly stand it. I wanted him to come early so bad, and you know what? He did. He was three weeks early, but he was born healthy, and perfect. He resembled me in a lot of ways, and when I held him for the first time, he made my life complete. Everything, and anything that didn't make sense before, made sense.

We named him Colton. Colton was amazing, and he made me want to do better for myself, so I worked harder in school, I took extra courses through home school, and I got my first job. I did it all for us. He and I, so that I could be good for him, and able to help him through life. He needed me, and I needed him. We were closer than anything, anyone, and unfortunetly my love for him put everything else on the side burner. I dropped out of school.

She was so mad when she found out, the girl I mean. She saw that Colton had been pawned off on me. I was taken advantage of, and so I left him to do better for myself. Or, thats what I told myself. I began trying new things,and putting myself in a worse situation than I ever could have imagined. I suppose guilt played a part, guilt for leaving my brother, and I tried to drown it out, or make excuses why it was ok. Its not like I never saw him, but the guilt lingered anyways.