Reverie: FUCK! Part 2

I had become a monster, when I took a look at what I had become, it felt as though I was watching a movie. Only there was no rewind button, no stop, no pause, no fast forward to save me. As bad as I saw myself getting, I couldn't find enough reason to stop, it just made me more determined to forget. After a while, I could try as hard as I wanted to forget, but it only made me think more. I hated myself, and when I did it, it felt like I was stuck in a small space, with myself. I mean, the only person other than my brother that I loved more then anything, was putting herself out for me, and all I did was take from her. I know it doesn't make sense, but that guilt made me want to forget even more.

and then when my brother died five days before his second birthday, what was left of my life, was broken into pieces to small to recover. Everything that had made sense before, didn't; everything that once had a meaning, was left meaningless.

If I could explain the emptiness my brothers death has left me with, I would, but there are no words. And you know, its the strangest feeling, to have a cold dead heart, and have it beating at the same time.

I'm in love with the most amazing person in the world. She is amazing because she has stayed by my side through everything. Its so weird though, because when I'm with her, she's like morphine, she makes the hurt go away, and I feel the love. When she's gone, I'm left with the pain of my memories, and I don't know how exactly to fix it.

So today when she asked, "why do you act that way in said situation" and my reply was "I have no idea"... what I really meant to say was.... "because I feel fucking dead inside, but at the same time when I'm with you I feel a live and vibrant, and the conflict is overwhelming, and I'm sorry I'm awful, and forgive me for being selfish, but I need you".